Luv Ya.... WHO?

"Look out football, here we come,
Houston Oilers, Number One.

Houston has the Oilers, the greatest football team.
We take the ball from goal to goal like no one's ever seen.
We're in the air, we're on the ground - always in control,
And when you say the Oilers, you're talking Super Bowl.

'Cause we're the Houston Oilers, Houston Oilers,
Houston Oilers, Number One.
Yes, we're the Houston Oilers, Houston Oilers,
Houston Oilers, Number One.

We've got the offense, we've got the defense,
We give the other team no hope.
'Cause we're the Houston Oilers, Houston Oilers,
You know we're gonna hold the rope.

Yes, we're the Houston Oilers, Houston Oilers,
Houston Oilers, Number One.
Yes, we're the Houston Oilers, Houston Oilers,
Houston Oilers, Number One.

'Cause we're the Houston Oilers, Houston Oilers,
Houston Oilers, Number One - Five - Seven - Eight,
We're the best from the Lone Star State!
Houston Oilers, Houston Oilers,
Houston Oilers, Number One."

 

 

 

There is one thing that I will say about the people from my city, that is that they are loyal. Loyal to a fault.

 

I am going to give you a brief history lesson, if I may. The Houston Oilers began as a football franchise in 1960 in the old AFL. They won 2 championships in that league in their first 2 seasons there. Sometime later, they joined the National Football League in the AFL-NFL merger. The team was at it's highest point during the famed "Luv Ya Blue" era under Bum Phillips and linebacker assassin Earl Campbell between the 1978 and 1980 seasons. During that time, they became the most adorable losers in the whole history of sports because of Coach Bum saying that they were going to kick a son-of-a-bitchin' door in. Cute, right? From there, Satan himself (sometimes known as Bud Adams) fired Bum and tried to turn the Oilers into a mean bunch of feared, penalty flag drawing, cheap-shotting bullies, which was in complete contrast to Bum's teams, who were considered "too friendly" to be taken seriously.

 

Fast forward to the early 90's. Warren Moon. Lorenzo White. Chris Dishman. Bruce Matthews. Mike Munchak. Finally, the local football franchise has some hope to make it to the promised-land. No more "beating on the door". They were ready to run right through it.

 

Then, THIS happened.

 

"The Comeback" basically sealed the Oilers' fate here in Houston. The team had one more good season here under the "46" defense of Buddy Ryan, but were eventually upended by Joe Montana and the Kansas City Chiefs in the '94 playoffs. It was all over.

 

From there, it became a dogfight between the city of Houston, and Satan himself. He wanted a new stadium, but the city wanted none of it. The team was bad. The fans ceased to give a shit. By the start of the 1998 season, the Houston Oilers were gone to become the Tennessee Oilers and eventually the Tennessee Titans.

 

In 1999, a businessman by the name of Robert McNair won the rights to the NFL's 32nd franchise, later to be known as the Houston Texans.

 

Seems like something like this would make the football-crazed fans in Houston happy, right?

 

Right...? RIGHT?

 

*crickets*

 

Herein lies the problem. Some of you have never been able to let go of the Ti- er, I mean, Oilers. You continue to talk about them as if the Tyler Rose was still out there eating defensive linemen for lunch. You guys still call the local sports radio shows and talk about how great the Luv Ya Blue era was. How Bum was this great coach and there will never be another George Blanda. You have made it to where I can't even listen to my favorite sports radio hosts. It is that bad. I have a bit of news for you people.

 

THE LUV YA BLUE OILERS WERE NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF LOSERS.

 

That's right. Losers. And the fans that still cry about them today? Even bigger losers.

 

If you are already upset with me, this is the point when you basically should just close this blog out, log off of the internet, and take your dog Ariel to the park. Maybe you should take your girlfriend Bethany with you. It would be good for the both of you. She is probably tired of you bringing up those nice ol' Oilers stories to her family when they come over to your house while she is secretly thinking to herself that she should have stayed with Zane, and is probably a good time for you two to rekindle the fire that fizzled out a few months ago.

 

It's about to get ugly.

 

For the rest of you, I'm glad you're still with me.

 

The NUMBER ONE thing that this fanbase loves to do, is crack on the nostalgic Dallas Cowboys fans when they bring up their 5 RINGZ BOIIII LOL during an argument like it has anything to do with Tony Romo getting $50 million guaranteed, a million for each interception thrown during the last drive of a close football game. It is our go-to answer to their go-to argument. It's like when you and your snot nosed, mouth breathing best friend since the 5th grade used to play the dozens back in the day in between talking about how you two were going to be president or a NASA astronaut but you couldn't even pass your 5th grade math test. Y'all would both come up with some epic one-liners, making fun of each of your worst blemishes. Your crooked teeth and uneven hairline. Your half-cocked eye and muffler breath. Until all of a sudden, you guys are out of jokes. That's it... wad blown. So one of you squeaky-voiced dorks just says "your mama" and then you high-five eachother and turn around and go home. That's exactly what this non-rivalry reminds me of.

 

But here is the thing that seperate the nostalgic, saggy-eyed Cowboy fan and the toe-nail picking, goat milking nostalgic Luv Ya Blue fan.

 

Those Cowboys folk reminisce on winners.

 

Oiler fans? LOSERS.

 

That's right. I just said that those Cowboys fans are better than you. You love a bunch of losers like the old Oilers and you are proud of it. What is the matter with you people? I understand that the Texans have not given us much to cheer about, especially lately, but you people are just the worse. Want to know how bad you are? You people share posts on Facebook that have pictures of TEXANS uniforms with LUV YA BLUE colors. I am astounded by this. You type of people need help. You are basically Tennessee Titans fans. I think there are more Titans fans here than in the city of Nashville.

 

I think a lot of this culminated with the infamous 2006 NFL Draft, where the Texans did the MOST ASTONISHING, UNBELIEVABLY STUPIFYING THING and took the best player in the draft. Unfortunately for you inbreds, that guy's name was not Vince Young. So what happened? In a stroke of genius trolling, Satan himself drafted the pride of Madison High School, where apparently they teach shirtless-clubbing and bankruptcy skills. (Let's be honest, the Titans' GM wanted nothing to do with Vince) He knew that you morons would go crawling back. And crawl back, you did. I saw you cheering in the stands with your #10 Young jersey the first time he came to town and scored the winning touchdown in Reliant stadium in overtime. You guys suck.

 

 It got so bad around here, that Mattress Mack was forced to publicly shame himself and run the 2006 NCAA title game on a loop becuase he was so sad that the Texans would dare try to improve their team. This went on for at least two years. When Prince's Hamburgers was on 610, the owner of the joint declared his newfound dunce-love for Satan on his outdoor sign. It got that bad.

 

My friends, let's be better than Cowboy fans. I have faith in you. You are a proud Houstonian. You know that the Texans will eventually get over the hump. You know that the Texans will do what the Oilers couldn't do, and that is represent the AFC in the Super Bowl. Leave that old girlfriend alone. She has moved on. She likes shitty country music and having sex with her brother now. You are better than that.

 

Stop calling 790 and 610 and bringing yourself to tears about Earl and Bum. They have moved on. They are our rival. We don't like them. They don't like us. Bum is dead. Satan is dead. Earl doesn't even care about them anymore.

 

Why should you?

 

Until next time, cabrones.

 

Juan