It's Written in Stone: Zane's Predictions for the NFL 2014 Season

This was going to be the week that Juan and I completely teed off on each other on this blog.  And it's still going to be.  Also, we'll be doing the very same thing by text message, and I may even call his Nicaraguan ass once or twice just so he can feel the sting a little more.  But before the unpleasantness begins, I wanted to get this post out of the way.  It's not going to be an in-depth, league-wide record prediction.  No, nobody gives a crap about which team is gonna go 6-10 (the Texans would LOVE to have this record in 2014).  And I'll be damned if I'm gonna analyze the schedules of all 32 teams, checking for strength of schedule, home/away games, weather reports, whose wife just had a baby, etc.  I'm going to outline your 2014 NFL Divisional Champions.  When the playoffs come around, I'll do that too, and I'll be glad to take the heat for being so brutally and obviously wrong about every pick I make.  Without further ado:

NFC North:  Green Bay Packers.  As long as Aaron Rodgers is alive and playing professional football, the Packers will be the overwhelming favorites to win this division.  Hell, they did it last year on the "strength" of an 8-7-1 record.  Yes, the defense is still awful, even with their new toy Ha Ha.  They're awful because they're led by Dom Capers of Houston Texans fame.  So they'll win a ton of shootouts, probably go something like 10-6, and take the NFC North.  Again.  They get to play the Minnesota Vikings twice.  Go figure.

NFC South:  New Orleans Saints.  The thing I said about Aaron Rodgers pretty much applies to Drew Brees.  Only, the NFC South is a much tougher division, and the Saints actually have something resembling a defense under Rob Ryan.  I don't like to use the F-word when talking about a division champion, but let's call a spade a spade:  the Carolina Panthers' division win in 2013 was a fluke.  Their entire offensive line (give or take one or two guys) retired in the offseason, and I can't really see what they've done about that.  Their entire receiving corps skipped town, and again, I can't really see what they've done about that.  The Atlanta Falcons, provided they stay healthy in key spots, will give the Saints two really good, fun games, but it won't be enough.  Saints roll with this one.  The Tampa Bay Buccaneers all still have gross staph infections and Josh McCown.  Nothing says "non-entity" like hanging your season's hopes on Josh McCown.

NFC East:  Philadelphia Eagles.  I may be a buffoon, but at least sometimes I'm a pretty realistic buffoon.  The only team in this division that can give Philly a run, the Washington Redkins, still doesn't have a good enough defense to contain this quick offense Philly is running.  The Dallas Cowboys are rolling out a Special Olympics squad to play defense, and that defense is almost as laughable as the New York Giants' offense.  Seriously, nobody named McAdoo is ever going to succeed on any level at sports.  The Redskins have a (remote) outside shot at taking the East, and it's a shocker: their best chance to win is to lose their starting QB to injury.  Robert Griffin III is not getting benched. And Kirk Cousins, in my opinion, gives the Redskins their best shot to win.  Hence, Philly.  It doesn't make me happy, but it's the way of the world.

NFC West:  Seattle Seahawks.  This is probably the hardest pick to make, because the NFCW is by far the best, toughest division in the NFL.  I'm picking Seattle because they're the best team in the NFL.  That's it.  The division has three really good teams and one spoiler in St. Louis.  If I tried to break this down, I'd be typing all day.  Seattle wins the West.

Wild Card #1:  Arizona Cardinals.  They were the best team in the league to not make the playoffs last year.  And with the injuries piling up in San Francisco, Arizona swoops in and steals the day.

Wild Card #2:  Atlanta Falcons.  This team is the poor man's Green Bay Packers.  They could make a deep run if they would just listen to reason, but they won't.  Always the bridesmaid, amirite?



AFC North:  Not the Cleveland Browns.  If the NFC West is the best division in football, then the AFC North is certainly the toughest to figure out.  These days, neither the Cincinnati Bengals, Baltimore Ravens, or Pittsburgh Steelers are really appreciably better than the others.  Cleveland is the only sure thing in this division (for now, at least): everyone knows they're not going to win it.  If I had a three-sided coin, I'd flip it and pick a winner that way.  It would be about as accurate as doing any sort of analysis.

AFC South:  Tennessee Titans.  Reason 1:  it would destroy Juan Adame's passion for football, life, and Mexican food.  Reason #2:  I like Jake Locker's chances of being a for realz QB under Ken Whisenhunt.  And they have a good defense, which will fit nicely into Indianapolis' backfield after all the non-effort Indy spent fixing their offensive line.  Poor Andrew Luck.  It's bad enough that he's gonna have to face the Titans' defense, but then there's JJ Watt/Jadeveon Clowney, and a defense lead by Gus Bradley, who built Seattle's defense.  Nobody would blame you if you retired now, Andrew.

AFC East:  New England Patriots.  The only surer bet than the Green Bay Packers, but for a different reason:  this division, outside Foxboro, is the worst in the league.  Rex Ryan will probably make the Jets look better than they are, like he always does, but he'll fail to put it together when it counts, like he always does.  The Miami Bullies and Buffalo Bills aren't competitors.  They'll win a few upset games just to give their fans enough hope to cry when New England takes the division by week 9.

AFC West:  Denver Broncos.  No matter how many games the so-called experts see Peyton Manning play, for some reason they keep picking his team to win the Super Bowl.  The Broncos may very well go undefeated this season, but it won't matter when they get bounced by a Wild Card team because Manning simply will not change his game, even when it's been figured out (see: Super Bowl 48).  But whatevs, they really only have Kansas City and San Diego to worry about, which means they have nothing to worry about.

Wild Card #1:  Indianapolis Colts.  CHUCK STRONG, or something.  I dunno.  The AFC is so short on good teams that they could pretty much draw from a hat to pick these last two playoff spots.

Wild Card #2:  San Diego Chargers.  See Wild Card #1.

So there you have it.  The season begins in three days.  Spew your hatred now, get it out of your system, and come talk to me in January.  Most of all, everyone have a great season as fans.  It's really back.  Y'know, Thursday.