Week One Preview - Texans vs THAT RACIST TEAM FROM WASHINGTON

And here we go.

First off, I am not doing a season preview because Zane already has one up here. I am going to agree with most of what he predicted because most of it is on point. Well, except for the Titans HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA winni- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH the AFC S-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Now that I got that out of my system, I shall proceed.

If you have been paying any attention to me, you know that I think that the Texans are going to go 8-8 this season. Outside of the greatness at some positions, this team is not all that good. They are average. The Texans are Pepsi. They are those indie movies that you swear are just wonderful cult classics but in actuality didn't do all that well in the box office because, well, they are just shitty movies.  They will beat teams that they are supposed to beat and lose to teams that they are supposed to lose to because that is what mediocre teams do. All without Molly Ringwald and Judge Reinhold.

As our readers know, fellow writing savant and all around ass-for-brains Zane is a devout Redskins Washington fan. I find this odd because the guy is from Georgia and lived out in the San Diego area while serving ice cream our country and currently resides in Pennsylvania. Washington. Right. Isn't there a better team that he could be a fan of? Basically, if you are an American Indian, Zane hates you. And your ancestors. And your dog. All of this is unconfirmed, except for the dog part. He really hates your dog.

Let's get to it. The Civil War has begun.

Both of these teams were dumpster juice last season. One team, the Texans, had high expectations (and delusions of grandeur) only to have gas poured on them and set on fire by the rest of the league. To say that they were a massive disappointment, is an insult to teams like the Redskins Washingtons who are the true disappointments in life. Matt Schaub was rolled into a Tommy Chong spliff and smoked up and was replaced by a quarterback who runs an average of 68.7 yards behind the line of scrimmage a play. Brian Cushing went down with his customary blown out knee. Arian Foster was too busy knocking up future Dr. Phil guests and throwing out his back. Andre Johnson turned into a 5 year old and JJ Watt.... well, at least there was some positive in all of this.

The other team, whose name we cannot mention because the public, after about 145 years of existence, finally decided that the term "Redskin" might be a little offensive, went south because maybe trading away 6 first rounders and Joe Theismann's leg fragments for the love-child of Andre 3000 and that kid that was on Good Burger wasn't such a good idea. Can you imagine all of the special teams specialists and log-snappers they could have used those picks on? Imagine the possibilities. Well if the front office sucks, at least the coaching is good, right? Wrong. Dead wrong. They fired the Shanahan clan and replaced them Jay Gruden, who in three consecutive playoffs forgot that he had a ginger at quarterback and had him try to throw the ball to a quadruple-covered AJ Green a good 95 times a game. At defensive coordinator, you have Jim Haslett. His idea of coaching consists of making derp faces when DeAngelo Hall gets burned for his scheduled 97-yard pass play. These guys are sewage residue. Master Splinter is mad about how much this team stinks. Also, their owner is likely the most hated man in sports.

WHEN THE REDSKINS HAVE THE BALL

I think this Sunday, we will witness our first live football severed leg. I think that I am going to contact the FCC and warn them of what lies ahead for Robert Griffin, III. They cannot allow children to witness this. I just feel bad that JJ Watt and Jadeveon Clowney will have another man's death on their minds forever. I think that we will see Colt McCoy return to the state that for some reason thought he was a decent quarterback in this game. That happens because Kirk Cousins will likely claim an injury to his pancreas after witnessing what  happens to Griffin. There is no saving Ol' Bob. Not even noted 'banger Desean Jackson's gang can save him. Damn, I can't wait to see Zane's reaction when they trade another few first rounders for Andy Dalton.

I almost feel bad for Trent Williams, who is Washington's best offensive lineman and noted Richard Sherman puncher. He gets the treat of having to deal with JJ Watt and his new $100 million contract and Jadeveon Clowney. When "The Silverback" isn't getting bodyslammed by Watt, he's going to get straight bull rushed by Clowney. That sounds like a bad day to me. I think Williams need to call in sick that day. In all honesty, I think Trent is the only Washington o-lineman that even likes his QB. If I were 320 lbs and saw Bob running marathons in the backfield, I wouldn't like his ass either. And if I were Griffin, I would be constantly on the run too if I had that o-line "blocking" for me. This Washington Redskin offensive line gives up sacks that would please an unemployed Colorado resident.

The Foreskins do have some talent at the skill positions, and have a young beast at running back in Alfred Morris. It's too bad that Morris will be rendered useless because they will likely be playing from behind a lot because of DeAngelo Hall and Jim Haslett. I hope that Washington's home stadium has a rooting section named "Deangelo's Hall Pass", because EVERYONE GETS TO GO THROUGH HAHAHAHAHA. Desean Jackson was a great pickup in the offseason to go along with Pierre Garcon. Problem is that it is going to be difficult for them to get the ball to work in space because Griffin will be running for his life.

Defensively, the Texans are at full health. Brian Cushing is back and the rest of the front seven is set and ready. That's the good news. The bad news is that there was some late work done to the secondary, especially at safety. On Sunday, the Texans cut Safety Chris Clemons and re-signed Danieal Manning, who they cut a few months ago. Manning was available because he was released by Cincinnati. Usually, those things don't turn out too well. I can already envision a gross miscommunication between a safety and a corner and Desean sitting in a folding chair in the endzone waiting on the ball to get there. I think that the Texans will get a ton of pressure on the QB and get a motherload of sacks, but I also think that the few times Bob can get free (pre-severed leg, of course) he will be able to make a couple of big plays on our secondary. Hey Seattle! Can we borrow Richard Sherman for a few hours?

WHEN THE TEXANS HAVE THE BALL

SPOILER ALERT: FRP, according to sources, has acquired the Houston Texans offensive playbook for the 2014 season! It goes as follows:

1st Down - Handoff to Foster
2nd Down - Handoff to Foster
3rd Down - Quick slant to Andre Johnson

Repeat this until we score 13 points or the game ends. Whichever comes first.

Look, if you are looking for a team that is going to get creative on offense, throw the ball around a lot, and score a lot of points.... then this is NOT the team for you. Like I have been saying, the Texans are built to meat-grind you to death. (Not that kind of meat-grinding, Zane. You sick bastard) This team is not going to rely on their quarterback to beat you. You want to know why? Because our quarterback is Ryan Fitzpatrick. The Harvard Wonder. The guy who flamed out in Buffalo after a promising 2 games and could not beat out Jake Locker for a starting job in Tennessee. Yes, THAT Jake Locker. Ryan Fitzpatrick is the guy you sign as a free agent because there isn't anything better out there. Ryan Fitzpatrick is that ugly shirt that you bought from the Michael Kors store because that was the only shirt and it was cheap and you only got it for the name. That is our QB. The ugly shirt. Fitz's backup? Ryan Mallett. The ogre who could have very well inspired the Shrek franchise. Mallett is like Frankenstein without the mobility and the neck bolts. Want to know how much Mallett sucks? He was a 3rd round pick that never played because Tom Brady so happened to be ahead of him and was beat out this preseason for the BACKUP position by Matt Schaub's rookie clone (Jimmy Garapololololololo). The Texans basically traded a bucket of spit and Case Keenum's clipped toenails to the Patriots for Ryan Mallett. That is our backup. Please, Fitz, don't get hurt.

And to think, if the Texans would have moved up one stupid spot in the draft, they could have had Teddy Bridgewater. Fuck you, Minnesota.

Apparently, Andre Johnson is happy again because he will be playing for the Texans this Sunday. He is going to be paired with Deandre Hopkins, who can basically palm the Astrodome with his hands. No 3rd receiver will be needed because A) he would never see the ball and B) the Texans are likely to run 17-tight end sets out there. That isn't the number of plays. That's the number of tight ends that will be on the field on each play, probably. The guy being "covered" by Deangelo Hall is likely the guy that is going to get all the action. Because, Deangelo Hall. Arian Foster is the key here. The Texans need him to stop banging Jessica Simpson look-alikes and stay healthy. He will be the key to this offense averaging 13 points a game. Last year, before the injury, Foster was returning to pre-contract form. He should be able to have a ton of running lanes. He's playing against the Redskins for Christ's sake. Zane and his Jesus haircut can run on the 'Skins.

There isn't a lot to say about the Redskins and their defense. They suck. They are coordinated by something named Jim Haslett who probably should have been fired 2 years ago. Seriously, how does this guy still have a job? It's really no wonder why the team had to settle for Jay Gruden as a coach. No one in their right mind would want to have Haslett run their defense and that was probably the only way that anyone was getting that job. Well done, Dan Snyder. Fuck your fans, right? According to Zane, the 'Skins have gotten a little better in the secondary. Obviously, not much because ol' Deangelo is still out there acting like a turnstile. They have Brian Orakpo, who has the coolest name in football. At least, that is the rumor because the guy is always hurt and is more incognito than a rape fugitive.

To sum this up, the Texans should dominate the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball, force a couple of turnovers, and have a short field the majority of the time. I expect them to score a season high of 17 points with ALL of those advantages because they are still the Texans and they know how to fuck up a wet dream. The sky is still blue, Arian Foster hates the media, and Bill O'Brien has the personality of a dry fart. Some things will remain the same.

PREDICTION

HOUSTON TEXANS - 17
WASHINGTON REDSKINS - 13
SEVERED LEGS - 1

One last thing, if you have noticed the Redskins thing I have going on here. This isn't some sort of a protest. I am doing this to get Zane's chones in a bunch. After all, isn't that what this is all about?

GO TEXANS

Until next time, cabrones,

Juan