That Was All Us

It is the best of Friday mornings, ladies and gentlemen.  For those of you who haven't been paying a lot of attention, last week marked the beginning of an exciting new opportunity for me and Juan.  Yep, we accepted the monumental task of attempting to resuscitate the dying Oakland Raiders franchise by becoming the first head coaching duo in world history.  And last night, we did it.  You all were probably watching some black guy on TV talking about Mexicans.  That was the dumbest thing you could have possibly done.  You missed all the glory.  All the sacrifice.  All the passion.  And you probably missed the best part of the whole thing, too:  the post-game press conference.  So since I love you all, I'm going to give you a recap of what transpired post-game in the press room.  We did it.  Shit went down.  Here we go.

Reporter #1:  Coach Teal, Coach Adame, let me start off by congratulating you on your fir-

Coach Teal:  Ok, wait wait, shut up.  Before we get to the portion of this press conference where we answer your questions, I have a question of my own:  why are all of you so ugly?  I mean, Coach Adame and I just pulled off the most impossible of impossibles against the red-hot Kansas City Chiefs, and you sons of bitches couldn't even bother to bring Suzy Kolber in here to talk to me- uh, us?  Man, what I'd do to Suzy Kolber.  I would do things to her that are banned under the Geneva Conventions.  I talked to her on the sideline at halftime, and she told me she'd see me later?  You, fatass, did you eat her?  Where is she?  Anyway, let's hear your stupid questions, because we ain't got all night.

Reporter #2:  Coach Teal, what did your team do differently tonight than from the rest of the season?

Coach Teal:  For one, they hired Juan and me, which was 99% of the battle right there.  Secondly, the team didn't suck ginormous ass tonight.  They pretended like they've done this shit before.  We have like two guys with Super Bowl rings on this squad, so this ain't exactly rocket science, ya know?  Thirdly, we're the best coaches in the league.  This one is on us.  Every minute, except the few where we blew the lead we had.  That was dumbass Khalil Mack.  And Charles Woodson.  Next question.

Reporter #6:  Coach Adame, did you notice a difference in the way Derek Carr played tonight?  Is his improvement the key to future wins?

Coach Adame:  Let me ask YOU a question, smartass:  have you ever seen Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau from the Grumpy Old Men movies play football?  Because that's what the retard Zane and I replaced were trotting onto the field at runningback.  Darren McFadden couldn't run out of a fire exit in an empty auditorium.  Maurice Jones-Drew is more useless than Olivia Munn in Aaron Rodgers' bed.  So Coach Teal and I had a long conversation by text last night, and we came to the conclusion that both Dennis Allen and Tony Sparano suck shit.  We also saw that there was something on our roster called a Latavius Murray, so Zane said, sure, why the hell not?  We'll give Marcel Reece some carries too.  I agreed.  

Coach Teal:  Did you know that science discovered that when you have Darren McFadden and Maurice Jones-Drew in the game at runningback, that the opposing defense's need to play run defense vanishes into thin air?  Half the teams we played didn't even line up defensive linemen.  That's how much those two are dogshit.  Anyway, when you have that as your "offense," and yes, I did do the finger quotes, you're going to have ineffective quarterback play, because one, you're Derek Carr and you're a bucket of ass, and two, there are gonna be ten guys covering every receiver you have.  Or at least it seems that way.  So we threw Latavius Murray a bone.  And he rocked that shit.  Coach Adame and I talked for hours about this decision.  Then, for some reason, he told me that Alfred Morris has a peanut allergy.  Then I told him that Arian Foster doesn't spay or neuter his pets.  Then he said that Robert Griffin III sends his mail postage due.  The conversation went on in that spirit for probably another two hours.  Oh, did you guys in the media know that Deandre Hopkins doesn't cover his mouth when he coughs?  Can you believe that?  Isn't that shit gross?  He must want all of your kids to get ebola.  Next question.

Reporter #1:  Coach Teal, would you care to explain your absence from last week's post-game press conference?

Coach Teal:  I wouldn't care to explain a fucking thing to you, you little pissant.  Are you wearing hair gel?  I go to the press conferences I want to go to.  Sure, Goodell fined me $25,000.  Big deal, I make that in a year.  I mean, you have guys like Belichick who can say "DERR, DERR, WE'RE ON TO CINCINNATI, DERR DERR" eighteen times in a row, and that pussy Goodell doesn't do a thing about it.  You call that making yourself available to the media?  You could fill a pillow case full of thumbtacks, draw a face on it, and it would be both better-looking and more charismatic than that turd.  HOW'S THAT NOT-CHEATING THING GOING FOR YOU, SHITSTAIN?  ELI MANNING SAYS HELLO.  But to answer your question, suck my butt.  Next.

Reporter #3:  Coach Adame, what will the two of you do to prepare the team for the next game against-

Coach Adame:  Fuck, there's another game?  Man, we're like 1-76.  How long is this bullshit gonna last?  Hey Zane, check this out:  "Derr, I'm Bill Belichick. We play Detroit this week, derr, and we're focused on that." (Coach Teal laughs maniacally) 

Reporter #4:  Coach Teal, wh-

Coach Teal:  Oh my god, SHUT UP.  You know what?  This press conference is over.  You guys smell like onions.  We've been here for like ten minutes and Suzy Kolber still isn't here?  You people are amateurs.  I have a gallon of Crown Royal and a keg of Corona in the locker room, so Coach Adame, I, and the team are about to get BLOTTO.  Any of you rat bastards see Suzy, tell her about the secret knock.  She'll know what I'm talking about.

Coach Adame:  Amen to that-... wait, a pillowcase full of thumbtacks?  For real?  Did you dip into the Crown before we came here, Zane?

Coach Teal:  OVER!

So that'll do it for us this week.  Be sure to support your local Oakland Raiders head coach(es)!  Bye!