Preseason Game 2 AKA The OMG CLOWNEY GAME

So, starting today, I am going to (attempt) to write-up a postgame piece on every single Texans game and break down the game itself, and by breakdown I mean try to make sense out of the things I see and try not to bore the shit out of you.

Why am I starting this now and not last week when the Texans were impaled by the Cardinals? Because I like my life. I don't want to add undue stress and give myself diabeetus in the eyes. That game was an atrocity. I got about halfway through the first quarter before I quietly turned the TV off, proceeded to the nearest Home Depot and attempted to swim in a pool full of muratic acid and bath salts to attempt to cleanse that abomination of a game from my wretched soul. I would prefer to be a skinless zombie before being made to watch that.

So here we are. I had a chance to sit down and watch a whole preseason game, which should prove to you that I don't completely hate you all. There are some things I took away from this preseason matchup that pitted the 2-14 Houston Texans hosting the 4-12 Atlanta Falcons this past Saturday at NRG Stadium.

SET IT UP

As previously stated, these are two teams that were sweaty dumpster juice last year. There are a few people that get paid to talk about football that predicted that these two teams were going to meet in last season's Super Bowl. If there were a Super Bowl of two overhyped teams that failed to even fail to even fail to meet expectations, these two losers would be in that. They would play that game in Jacksonville because no one even cares about Jacksonville. Speaking of Jacksonville, can the league just move them to London already? You want to know how disappointing the Texans and Falcons were last season? They were like that one guy, who is about 42 with a receding hairline who names his only son Champ Swagger McLafferty. He puts ol' Champ in evey sports league imaginable and yells at him during his pee-wee football games because he missed a block that allowed his quarterback to get concussed by the young Adame boys. Mr McLafferty spends all of his hard earned money from working at the ConocoPhilips chemical plant as a floor sweeper and hasn't gotten a raise since 2001 because he keeps using the company computer to see what the Tennessee Titans are up to. All that only for young Champ to quit school and become a hairdresser. That is disappointment. That's Texans and Falcons fans in 2013.

But alas! The season is new! The Texans are rebuilt with physical football in mind. The Falcons still believe in Matt Ryan and boast the talents of The First Round Punter favorite Antone Smith. (more on that guy later) So... let us proceed.

THE BUENO

Yikes

Jadeveon Clowney - This guy is the truth. He is a beast. He is Inspectah Deck's verse in "Triumph". The Texans super rookie was as advertised. He doesn't just run off the line of scrimmage, he causes an explosion. When the opposing team snaps the ball, Clowney creates a sonic boom. He is Guile from the Street Fighter games. On the Texans' second defensive series, Clowney made his presence felt. According to sources (my imagination), after Matty Ice received the snap, all you could hear from Clowney was HULK SMASH as he was immediately at the point of handoff and speared Antone Smith off the face of the earth. Seriously, I think Smith is still flying in outer space as we speak nearing the galaxy's red headed stepchild, Pluto. Before passing Jupiter, Martian satellite picked up a quote from Smith saying that Clowney was "just a guy". Poor bastard. Clowney hit Antone so hard that his ever-loving mind flew out of his head. R.I.P. Antone Smith. On the very next play, Clowney blew by left tackle and sacked Matt Ryan before he could cry uncle. Just a note, this was all without JJ Watt on the field.

Ryan Fitzpatrick - I have to admit something, I told Zane that I think that the Texans are going to trade for Ryan Mallett. This was before Fitzpatrick put up a 9 for 12, 97 yard and 1 TD performance. It was a fairly small sample, but Fitzpatrick looked a little more comfortable in the pocket and made plays with his feet when he needed to. He originally played two series, but was brought in to run the 2 minute drill right before the half. This is when he was at his best, in my opinion. Fitzpatrick used his mythical beard powers to march the Texans down the field and complete the drive with an 11-yard touchdown pass to DeVier Posey. His most important stat number? Zero. As in zero turnovers. If the Texans want to have any success this season, Fitzpatrick is going to have to keep the turnovers at a minimum. The defense is going to be good, as is the running game. He just needs to manage the game efficiently in order for this team to be successful.

Special Teams - This is probably a first. The Houston Texans may have a special teams better that abysmal. They used to tell us back in the day that there are only two things guaranteed in life: Death and Taxes. I called bullshit because the Texans having a Waste Management-worthy special teams was something that we could never escape. I think I found out what the problem was. The problem was that they were known as "The Houston Texans Special Teams". Example? Jacoby Jones. He singlehandledly torpedoed the Texans' chance at a Super Bowl in 2011 because he tried to field a punt that bounced about 6543521 times and ended up fumbling it away. So what happens? That asshole leaves Houston and becomes a Super Bowl MVP. I hate to say this, but I actually rooted for the 49ers that year because I didn't want the inevitable to happen. I'm still trying to wash that stink off. But anyway.... it seems like the Falcons were always starting their drives right under their own goalpost because special teams play. Not to mention the blocked punt and return touchdown after said blocked punt. We may be on to something here.

THE NO BUENO

The Atlanta Falcons were no bueno this game. Everything was bad. EVERYTHING.

The Texans Secondary - I know that they only surrendered the one touchdown to a guy who will always be known as a special teams master who was a gigantic fail anywhere else in Devin Hester. Let's talk about he got that touchdown. The Texans had multiple opportunities to kill this drive that led to the Falcons' lone score, but WHAT DO YOU KNOW THE SECONDARY LOVES THEM SOME PENALTY. I mean, I seriously think they loved being penalized. It's like one of them Fatal Attraction kind of loves, because they can't help themselves and it is going to get them electrocuted in the bathtub but they don't care because they are stupid. The secondary will be the fatal flaw of this team. This is going to be like one of those seasons where everything else went right, but that one thing keeps you from being successful. I see myself getting arrested at a Texans' game this year because I am going to run on to the field and fight the Texans secondary, namely Brandon Harris. This guy is the king of the "incomplete pass celebration only to get flagged for interference" thing because that is what he does. Sadly, he is likely going to make the team by default. Kill me now.

THE COCHINO

TJ Yates - Oh my. That guy was responsible for two landmark Texans moments. The first was clenching a division title for the first time in franchise history. The second was the first playoff win. He is not good at all. He's so bad that he has already been cut from his next team. He was so bad that he had us begging for Matt Schaub to come back after throwing about 17 interceptions in the Jacoby Jones playoff fumble game. It is unfortunate because TJ Yates is attached to Houston Texans history and he likely won't be in the league for very much longer. At least he has a cool story to tell his grandkids or his cats or whatever.

The Falcons' "offensive line" - I use the quotes because, well, let's face it... that is no offensive line. They are the Bad News Bears of offensive linemen without the Astrodome and the happy ending. Poor Sam Baker. He would rather destroy his own patella tendon than have to line up against a bunch of killers wanting to eat his quarterback because the rest of the line is animal porn. The Texans were in the Falcons' backfield all night long and was part of the reason for the Yates pick 6. Just blows my mind. The Texans were not on the buttass end of a pick 6. The apocalypse is near. Dogs and cats are mating and hurricanes are landing in the desert. It just got real.

Keenum vs Savage - I think that this is a half-ass QB competition. Tom Savage was drafted to be the clay that Bill O'Brien and crew can mold into their own. Keenum is what is left of the Kubiak quarterback disaster from last year. I had an interesting discussion with an old friend of mine that bascially said that Case Keenum was the next Joe Montana...... ok, fine. He didn't say anything like that, but was making the point to me that Keenum should get the back up QB spot here by default because of past performance. My point is, Keenum has no future in Houston. I am not sure if they are going to keep 3 quarterbacks on the roster. To me, that is the only way Keenum survives here. Savage didn't look too good out there Saturday night, as he folded to make-believe pressure a couple of times, but he is being groomed to take over after the Fitzpatrick experiment is over. Keenum looked solid but had an interception trying to force the ball to his target. Some passes Keenum threw were beautiful, but remember, Case can't pick up a blitz to save his life and he didn't see any Saturday. It will be interesting to see how this develops.

RANDOM

• Week one is coming. That means there is about to be civil unrest here on FRP. Texans vs Redskins. There will be blood shed, broken bones and bad jokes flying everywhere. I so can't wait.
• It's JFF vs Bob on Monday Night Football. An epic battle of two Texas quarterbacks who will have heartful obituaries written for them this season because they have to see JJ Watt and Jadeveon Clowney this season.
• Arian Foster would like you to stay sucka free.
• Texans are practicing in Denver with the Broncos this week. The third preseason game is usually the one where the starters are left out on the field for at least a half. We should see Cushing, Dre, and Foster this week. Should
• Curious to see if Manning stays out there that long. Could be bad for his foreheads... I mean health.

For those of you who are new to this blog, we welcome any comments and constructive criticism. I want this blog to be the best it could be. Thanks for reading!

Until next time, cabrones.

Juan