I did get to take a break from the greatest marathon in the history of mankind to watch a preseason game between the Houston Texans and the Denver Broncos. This was a game between two teams on completely opposite ends of the football spectrum. One team represented the AFC in the Super Bowl and the other represented the NFL in imperial suckage. I don't know who I would rather be in this situation, the team who was exposed as frauds early in the season or the team with the QB who will be known as the greatest regular season player of all time. Yeah... who am I kidding?
The Texans and the Broncos got together for what was a week long joint practice session in Denver and it consisted of JJ Watt mauling the Broncos' offensive line and them getting heated about it. One of the main subplots during these practices was DJ Swearinger and his ability to really piss people off. We will have more on that later. Just like the week before, the practice sessions culminated into a semi-real football game that was played in the Mile High (PUN) City. Below are my observations from this epic slugfest that was won by the Texans 18-16.
THE BUENO
Special Teams - Something is wrong here. I thought the Texans were supposed to be doomed to some special teams curse that could never be broken. I started to believe that Bob McNair drove his 2016 Bentley through an entire maze of circus mirrors and brought upon this dastardly, despicable evil that was the Houston Texans special teams. I don't know who McNair made a deal with. Could it be Satan Himself? Nah... couldn't be.Turns out that all he needed to do was fire the carcass of Joe Marciano and his permanently molded face of confusion. I keep waiting for all the flags to fly when the Texans are returning a kickoff or a punt and turn a 20 yard return into a 67 yard loss but it has yet to happen. I think it is time for me to play the lottery because the stars are lining up.
Defense - One of the things that I figured that the Texans were doing was that they are going to be built to rough teams up at the line of scrimmage on both ends of the ball and be a low-risk running team. So far in this preseason, that seems to be coming to fruition. I know that we are getting nothing but vanilla-ball so far, but I am encouraged by what I see from the defense.
- The front seven will likely be the strength of this team. JJ Watt was only in for the first series, but that was all he needed to do JJ Watt things. JJ Watt is like Batman, but with a bubbly personality. He's the type of guy who drives drunk girls home and doesn't expect anything except for a promise from them not to be too drunk to drive anymore. If JJ Watt had a daughter, he would be the guy wearing a big-ass tutu and having tea parties with dolls in chairs that he can't even fit in. JJ Watt is a chick-flick mongerer. But, at night (or on Sundays or whatever) JJ Watt is too busy whooping the living hell out of poor, overmatched linemen and doing the Rock-Bottom on quarterbacks and clotheslining running backs. JJ Watt is the best defensive player in the world. He will be joined in the regular season by Jadeveon Clowney and Brian Cushing to add even more pain to injury. Speaking of Cushing, he looks to be close to 100%. He absolutely needs to stay healthy for this defense to play up to its potential
- Who remembers the Texans secondary from last year? Better question... who still has property damage from last year from all the things you threw and broke because of this secondary? If you answered yes to both of these questions, then you probably felt pretty good about what you saw Saturday night. Save for those two TDs by Manning and Emmanuel Sanders, the secondary showed that it is going to be an improvement this season. I can remember many a time that a simple crossing route would turn into a 6345321 yard gain and death to the hearts of the Houston faithful. So many times I remember Brice McCain out there on 3rd and 20 playing 15 yards off of the receiver and STILL allowing them to go by him. Even then, after the receiver would pick up the easy first down, the Texans secondary would calmly still miss about 9 tackles on the receiver and it was game over. Watery sharts were better than this secondary was last season. Three legged dogs loaded up on Oxycontin could cover and tackle better than these guys last season. They should have put one of those TV warnings (TV-MA) on the screen every time the opposing team attempted a pass on them. Though it is still the preseason, those issues looked to be resolved. The coverage is better and the tackling is a complete improvement. Safeties are wrapping up receivers and actually bringing them to the ground. Weird concept from these guys, I know. Their first big test comes in two weeks when the Redskins and noted gangster (allegedly) Desean Jackson come to town. Let's see if this is for real.
Tom Savage - This dude looks like Nicholas Cage. Like, doppleganger twin type stuff. It is to the point that I want to go to a game just to throw a shitty script at him and watch him jump all over it. It's crazy. In all seriousness though, this was a huge game for Savage albeit it was against the next crop of Denver's legal marijuana businessmen. Doesn't matter. Savage came in for the Texans' final drive and took them 74 yards down the field for what was the winning score. He completed 5 of 6 and looked like he belonged on the field. Not only that, but he converted on a 4th down on the drive and threw a beauty of a pass to Ryan Griffin that led him straight to the endzone. That's how it is done, ladies and gentlemen. The 2-point conversion pass to Travis Labhart to put the Texans ahead? Excellence in execution.Texans Wide Receiver who wears number 80 - Don't call it a comeback. Our beast is alive.
THE NO BUENO
There isn't a whole lot that went wrong this past Saturday, but I will get into a couple of things:
- The officiating is going to become a nightmare this season. I fear that some of these games are going to be 4 hour flag-fests. I understand that the officials are being told to put a stop to the Seattle Seahawks I mean the defensive holding in the secondary, but this is beyond nuts. My personal favorite Texan Brandon Harris was actually flagged for something that he didn't do, which is a bloody fucking miracle in its own right. This combined with all of the other games is starting to get out of control. They really should start a fantasy official league where you get points for your officials killing the joy out of games. Actually, no, let's not start that
- It may have been just me, but Ryan Fitzpatrick was looking like he was doing that Matt Schaub thing where he just looks to throw the ball to Andre and nobody else. Perhaps he was doing that to get his timing right with his all-pro, future Hall of Fame, bad ass motherlover, but it is something to look out for nonetheless.
This is the part where I get into the whole Peyton Manning/DJ Swearinger/Wes Welker love triangle. Sometime in the first half, Manning threw a pass over the middle to Welker which led him to getting crushed by Swearinger. The official mistakenly threw a flag for roughness and basically led to Manning trying to be king daddy ballsacks and punk DJ for something that he had no control over. It was obvious that he was aiming for Welker's chest, but Wes lowered his head and caused himself to be hit on the head and cause him to get a concussion. A couple of plays later, Manning threw a touchdown pass to Sanders, who was being covered by AJ Bouye and Eddie Pleasant, and made it a point to run over to Swearinger and cuss him out and draw an unsportsmanlike conduct flag.
I have a serious problem with all of this.
I'm sure that Manning was trying to stick up for a teammate, and there is nothing wrong with that. But, Five-head needs to look at some tape and see who was REALLY responsible for Welker's demise. If you look at the play, you can see that Manning led Welker into Swearinger with that pass. Why even make that throw? And if you absolutely HAVE to make it, why not go to Welker's left shoulder to keep him from being bodied up by Swearinger? This play was 100% on Peyton Manning. I can't even blame Welker for putting his head down because that was probably just instinct taking over. Manning isn't escaping blame here. He put another man's career in jeopardy to try and make an unnecessary play in the preseason.
I came across an interesting point a couple of days ago. Peyton Manning has a history of injury and concussion prone receivers, namely Dallas Clark, Austin Collie, and Anthony Gonzalez. It will probably take someone with a lot of time and access to years of game tape, but I am pretty sure Manning has a little something to do with some of these concussions as well as Welker's three in a calender year.
RANDOM
- I read today that the Texans will probably go into the regular season with three quarterbacks. I have stated before that this is the only way Case Keenum makes the final 53. Even then, with all of the cuts happening this week, I won't be surprised if Bill O'Brien snagged him a QB off of the waiver wire to replace Keenum.
- In case you don't know, the Texans are playing Thursday night vs the 49ers. Supposedly, Jim Harbaugh is going to run his first team out there. Wow. I mean, what could go wrong?
- After a conversation with Zane, we are going to be running a "In Defense Of..." series where we basically defend guys who either suck or have sucked and are being bullied by you sick bastards
- On, and THIS
Until next time, cabrones....
Juan
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