FRP's 4th Annual NFL Midseason Awards

Greetings from the midpoint of the 2014 NFL Season.  Well, I guess that depends on who you ask.. some say it's Week 8, others Week 9.  I say I'll do this during Week 14 if I want to!  Luckily for you all, I don't want to do that.  The middle of the season is an important time for the football fan;  the playoffs are just beginning to take shape.  December is quickly approaching, meaning Tony Romo is about to die a horrible death for the millionth year in a row.  Games have snow because winter is coming.  The most important baseball games of the year still get crushed in the ratings by the most pedestrian of NFL games.  It's just a good time. 

Now, you may notice the eye-catching title of this post.  You're probably saying to yourself, "this one can't match last year's.  And NOTHING will ever compare to 2011."  As you sit reminiscing, you get a disquieting feeling that you're not being told the complete truth.  But you know what?  By the time you verify that this blog is nowhere near even one year old, let alone four, you've already read the whole thing.  I MADE YOU READ A BLOG!  HA HA LOSER!

See, I had some very, very important decisions to make about this award ceremony.  I would have to go back and check stats.  I may even have to go back and rewatch entire games.  The awards business is a demanding one, and something like this has to be done just right.  Then I came to the most difficult decision I have ever come to:  what am I going to call the awards?  I needed a catchy name.  I needed an "Oscar."  A "Grammy."  An "ESPY." What would I call the non-existent trophies?  Firsties?  Roundies? (this was the worst one, I think) Punties?  I then decided that, to hell with it, they'll be called Bloggies.  I'm sure that name is already taken, and that I'll eventually be sued into poverty and forced to abandon my millions and millions of loyal readers, but Bloggies it is.  Onto the awards.

Ryan Leaf Memorial Rookie of the Half-Season

This award goes to... nobody.  Seriously, I cannot think of one rookie from the 2014 class that has stood out.  Jadeveon Clowney has played about thirteen seconds of the season.  Blake Bortles is a giant ball of unwiped ass.  Ditto for Teddy Bridgewater.  If I wanted to be really generous.. if you held a gun to my head (which would be a weird thing to do to force me to give an award away, you psycho), I'd probably give it to John Brown of the Arizona Cardinals, but even then it doesn't seem like he deserves it.  The Class of 2014 needs to get its collective hooey together and start making some noise.  Otherwise, at the end of the season, they're gonna cancel that award for realz.  Then they'll cancel the 2015 Draft.  After that, college football players will riot in the streets.  Businesses will be burned to the ground, homes will be looted, police will be beaten and killed, and the US Government will be forced to instate martial law for an indefinite period of time.  Elections will be canceled, politicians will be in office permanently.  Do you want Barack Obama to be President forever, Allen Hurns?  I DIDN'T THINK SO.  You too, Devonta Freeman!  Stop ruining my country!

Biggest (-) Surprise of the Half-Season

This award easily goes to the Seattle Seahawks.  I mean, damn.  Last year they looked like the most dominant team the NFL had ever seen.  They had all the pieces in place to build a dynasty.  They lost nothing.  They changed nothing.  They feared nothing.  Now they're 4-3 and were recently on the bad end of the most awesomely clever play I've ever watched on televised football.  That Stedman Bailey punt return was classic.  Anywho, Seattle looks.. normal this year.  They lost to a team that just got stomped by Kansas City.  Russell Wilson seems to be regressing, though he's probably in line for an insane contract.  The defense seems a little softer than they've been the last few years.  Did losing Walter Thurmond really hurt that much?  Srsly?  Whatever is going on, be it a Super Bowl hangover, bad referees, the post-apocalyptic fallout of the Percy Harvin trade, Seattle needs to right the ship.  They're letting Carson Palmer run away with this division.  They're letting Carson Palmer run away with this division.  They're letting Carson Palmer run away with this division. (Some things bear repeating.  I like the Cardinals and am happy for them, but that's still Carson Palmer, yo, and he's running away with the NFC West.)

Biggest (+) Surprise of the Half-Season

I can't believe I have to say this, but this Bloggie goes to the Dallas Cowboys.  I don't think anyone anticipated Dallas being 6-1 (adjusted tomorrow, it will likely be 7-1) at midseason.  Tony Romo was still there!  That defense was still buttjuice!  How did they beat the Seahawks?  How did they beat the Texans?  How did this atrocity befall my beloved game?  It's quite simple, really; they finally fixed their offensive line and let Demarco Murray do his Demarco Murray thing.  That guy is unbelievable.  I can't even hate him.  BUT IT'S ALL A SMOKESCREEN AND THIS IS A PASSING LEAGUE AND THE ONLY THING A RUNNINGBACK NEEDS TO DO IS PASS BLOCK AMIRITE GUYS??  Hey, don't look at me, you're all the ones buying into this nonsense.  Demarco Murray has big, big things in store for him.  I just hope he's not in Dallas when those big things come to pass.

Nelson Mandela Lifetime Overachievement Award

There's simply no better way to honor the great Nelson Mandela than to name an award, which doesn't have a trophy and is given to a guy who plays in a sport Mandela probably never even saw with his own eyes, after him.  You're welcome, Mandela's children.  You're welcome, people of South Africa who suffered under apartheid.  You finally got your due.  Anyway, this award.. if you thought it was going to anyone BUT Antone Smith, you're both ignorant and stupid.  Probably fat, too.  Now, he hasn't overachieved in the last few weeks, because the coach of the Atlanta Falcons, Mike Smith, is both stupid and ignorant.  Kinda fat, too.  And ruddy.  And angry.  The Falcons went to London yesterday and gave up a three-touchdown lead to lose by a point on a last-second field goal.  But Antone Smith was nowhere to be found, probably because he got knocked out of the game.  But that does nothing to damper his 89 yards per carry this year (give or take a yard).  He is a playmaker who's ready to break out and make plays.  And I have a feeling he won't be doing it in Atlanta.  

Kristallnacht Award

This award, a reference to an event that occurred in Nazi Germany before World War II, is given for the amazing inability to stay healthy regardless of circumstances.  "Kristallnacht" means "night of the broken glass or something like that," from what I've read in history books.  If there were a trophy for this Bloggie, it would be in a hundred pieces; given that, I feel perfectly OK awarding it to both Jake Locker and Robert Griffin III.  Funny thing about Jake Locker.. during the 2011 draft, I was actually more than a little pissed that the Tennessee Titans grabbed him two spots ahead of the Redskins.  Then the Redskins traded their pick down with Jacksonville, who ended up taking Blaine Gabbert with that pick.  The Redskins, "led" by Rex Grossman, had just passed on two of the top QB's of the 2011 Draft.  And for what?!  RYAN KERRIGAN?!  Now obviously, hindsight is 20/20, and when Jake Locker read that sentence, he fractured both of his orbital sockets.  When he went to cover his eye, both of his hands broke.  When he screamed from the pain in his hands, his jaw broke, and then fell off.  Yes, Jake is injury-prone.  If a trophy for this actually did exist, I'd be afraid to hand it to him for fear of separating his shoulder.  RGIII?  Yeah, he's a little on the fragile side too, but in his defense, he's only been injured three times in his pro career, which is about 1/50th the rate of his co-awardee Locker.  Point is, both of these guys are better-known for not playing than for playing.  That's why they get an award commemorating a night when angry Germans destroyed the lives and businesses of German Jews.  It's the least I could do.

Russian Winter Award

This one is for the best defensive player.  See, when Napoleon invaded Russia during the wi-... ok, you guys all get it.  Hitler did it too.  And I'm aware that the amount of World War II references in this ceremony is disturbingly high.  Aaaaaaaanyway, there is no possible way this award goes to anyone but JJ Watt.  JJ Watt is the best player in the NFL right now, and the margin isn't all that close.  Peyton Manning?  How many sacks does HE have this year?  He also has thrown way more interceptions than Watt has.  Watt is a beast.  He eats nails and craps barbed wire.  He then takes the barbed wire, dips the barbs in ink, and gives himself tattoos of barbed wire.  On his scrotum.  And he only cries a little.  JJ is unstoppable.  He also has more receiving touchdowns than Manning has this year.  I know a lot of people will be furious that Peyton Manning didn't win defensive player of the half-season, but maybe in four or five more years he'll be on JJ's level.  JJ Watt is the only reason the city of Houston, Texas hasn't fallen to Ebola.  Ebola has a paltry 4.3 points-per-game average because they keep running into JJ Watt.  He's the love child of the Hulk and the Juggernaut.  Unstoppable.  QB's have bad dreams at night about this guy.  And his name is initials.  You don't let your name be initials unless you're a badass.

Tet Award

See, we've moved past World War II and jumped head-first into Vietnam.  That night when the North Viets got the jump on the South and the US armies and just whooped ass.  Tet Offensive.  Offensive.  Offensive Player of the Half-Season is what this award is.  I bet you didn't know that's where I was going with this, huh?  I'll throw Peyton Manning a bone here and give him this Bloggie.  If we were talking about the offensive player of the postseason, Manning would be nowhere in the vicinity of this conversation, but hey, even I can admit that as long as the game is meaningless, there is nobody in history that has ever operated on his level.  Ask Eric Decker what kind of player Peyton Manning is; Decker is dying of Ebola in New York because of Geno Smith.  And because JJ Watt isn't there.  Manning has won this award each of the last four years (see what I did there?  Again?) and he'll probably win it for as long as he's an active player.  The guy just gets it done.  With precision.  With extreme prejudice.  Too bad he has extreme prejudice toward postseason success.

Best Pigeon

This Bloggie goes to the pigeon that hung out on the field in Jacksonville yesterday when the Jaguars (not Jaguires) were playing the Miami Dolphins.  The pigeon sacked Blake Bortles twice and gave Lamar Miller a concussion on an illegal hit.  Pigeons don't give any sort of shit.  About anything.  Kudos.

MOST VALUABLE PLAYER SON

This is the big one.  I've named three people thus far that have made strong cases to receive this highly-prestigious award.  They're all fistfighting over it now, as a matter of fact.  So without further ado, the most valuable player of the half-season Bloggie goes to...

Kirk Cousins.

Heh heh heh.  Just kidding.  After weeks (seconds) of deliberation with my peers (by myself), I have to grudgingly give this award to Demarco Murray.  He's carrying the Dallas Cowboys further than anyone ever expected.  The Dallas Cowboys are already 14-1, which is weird as hell because it's only Week 8.  And it's all because of Demarco Murray.  Once the world got a good look at Tony Romo in their first game, it was decided that Romo wasn't allowed to do anything ever again in any fashion.  He doesn't even hand the ball to Murray; Murray just takes it.  Because that's the game plan now.  I hate it as much as (most of) the rest of you, but I would not be able to maintain my journalistic integrity if I didn't acknowledge the lights-out manner in which Murray is currently playing.  What the hell?  I'm not a journalist and I've never had any integrity!  Fuck Demarco Murray!  Give me my invisible trophy back!  HEY, DON'T YOU RUN AWAY FROM ME!  YOU KNOW I CAN'T CATCH YOU!  JERK!

The Mike Florio Award

I chose Florio's name for this award because he runs my favorite football news website, ProFootballTalk.  And he shows up on Sunday Night Football sometimes, looking every bit the giant dork he is.  The sports media is too all-encompassing.  There's too many aspects to it.  So in the interest of finishing up this excessively-long post, I'll just say that this award goes to the best football-talking-person-type.  Sideline reporters, broadcasters, journalists, columnists, and yes, even bloggers.  So here we go.  The Mike Florio Half-Season Bloggie goes to:

Me.

Why me?  Is it because of my tireless sacrifice?  Is it because I didn't want to share the award with Juan, which I'm doing anyway?  (Congratulations, buddy. You finally made it.)  No, it's for two simple reasons.  One, Juan and I are better than everyone else.  It's true.  Neither of us give a crap how many passes to the left Aaron Rodgers has completed after halftime in his career.  I assume he's the all-time leader in that category, but that's all I do, assume.  We write good.  We're funny.  We're not shameless self-promoters (we're shameless self-promoters).  The second reason is something of a First Round Punter Exclusive.  This happened a few months ago, and at the time I couldn't tell if I was bragging or complaining.  So here it is, the bare bones of the matter:

I was plagiarized.  

One of my favorite football-related websites, which is linked on this blog, is called The Draw Play Comic.  A day or two before the theft in question, I asked the proprietor of the Draw Play, a super-talented artist named Dave Rappoccio, to read this blog. It was after the Adrian Peterson child abuse scandal, and I wrote a nifty little piece on it.  What we're going to do now is link both my entry, and The Draw Play's comic, and I want you all to see if you can spot the crime.  Check the dates, folks, and read the words.

Dave

Zane

So there you go.  I wasn't really upset about it, but Juan was, and I can't blame him.  This is a guy who himself has had his work ripped off by bigger media outlets and gotten no credit for it.  Now, I know what you're thinking.. it's a coincidence.  Anyone two people could have said that exact same thing.  And you could be right (you're not), but here's the smoking gun:  I have proof that he read it.  When I sent him the link to our blog, he responded.  Gave feedback.  I was and still remain a fan of this guy's work, and I encourage you all to take a better look at it.  But he's not getting my award.  It's mine and I earned it.  Juan, too.  

So that's that.  No Roundup this week (sorry, Andrea, but I will acknowledge the killer game Ben Roethlisberger had yesterday), but I'll be back next Monday.  Take care, crapsacks.