In Defense Of....... Arian Foster

#Staysuckafree
— Feeno (@ArianFoster) September 16, 2014

Greetings, earthlings. Before I get started, I just want to take the time to thank you all for continuing to support our little piece of the blogosphere in these past few months. My partner-in-scribe and I are working on making this thing bigger and better for you all. We cannot wait to roll these things out! And as always, feedback is very welcome.

If you haven't read it, please do yourself a great justice and read Zane's Midseason Awards. This just further proves that he should probably start getting paid to write. Well, I ain't gonna pay him... but someone should.

Now, on to business. I know what you're saying. You're saying, "Juan, you big bad motherfucker you, why do you want to defend THAT guy? He's having a great year! What is there to defend?" I am so glad you asked.

I am here to defend him from YOU. You, the brilliant capologist who often questioned why the organization decided to keep him and let Ben Tate walk in the offseason. You, the open-mouthed genius with a medical license that thought that Foster's career was over after his 2013 season ended early because of a back injury. You, the patron saint who chastised and lambasted him because he decided to impregnate one of the Barbie twins. You, the dirty and fickle media member who thought it was a good idea to confront him AT HIS HOUSE about said impregnation. You, the degenerate, shit-straddling, fantasy football playing, powdered donut smelling wet piece of reused toilet paper who just wanted to see him fail and put in his place.

I get it. Arian Foster threw out his back in the middle of last season after getting close to 400 touches the previous campaign. All the while, Ben Tate filled in admirably while also being hurt and had an OK season. Many people asked if "Game time Decision" Tate should be the man to take over the position from the guy who just got signed to a long term deal. Many people thought that Ben Tate was the BETTER PLAYER and I wanted to slap every single one of those people in the mouth. Tate, who hasn't been the healthiest guy since signing with Cleveland this offseason, is a good running back. He doesn't suck at all. He isn't Trent Richardson. But, he is not even in the same school let alone the same class as Arian Foster. Letting Foster go and replacing him with Tate would be like trading in your 700-class BMW for a Ford Fortiva. I'm not even sure what the hell a Ford Fortiva is, but it sure ain't a BMW. Arian Foster is Captain America and Ben Tate is Fan Boy and Chum-Chum. I need all of you to rewatch the game between the Texans and Titans from this past Sunday. All those things Mr. Namaste did that day? Tate can't do them. All of those touchdowns that Arian can create, ol' Ben just can't seem to do. I understand the nature of instant gratification of football and the severe A.D.D. of its fans, but saying that Ben Tate is better than Arian Foster is an exercise in modern stupidity. You guys are better than this. Wait, no you're not.

I get it. Arian Foster touched the ball 391 times in 2012, which preceded his injury. 331 times in 2011 and 393 touches in 2010. He's a workhorse. History tells us that guys like that often don't last long in the league. Here's the thing though. Foster isn't a violent runner. He isn't trying to go through you. He's trying to dance you to a wild miss. The only thing he wants to bruise is your ego; maybe shatter an ankle or two. When is the last time you saw someone lay the wood to the Master of the Namaste? One of those hits where you're like "He might not get up". I've yet to see one. That is not the kind of runner he his. Arian Foster is a smart man who knows he would likely want to retire and be able to eat whole foods when he's someone's abuelito. I don't know him personally, but he doesn't seem to be the type of guy who wants to be a bruised vegetable. Doesn't seem like his personality. Arian Foster is currently 2nd in the NFL in rushing with 766 yards on 5.2 yards per carry. He is second only to DeMarco Murray, who has rushed for 3,487 yards. Ok, so maybe not that many... but it seems like it. At this pace, Foster will finish with 1,532 yards on 292 carries with 48 receptions and 14 touchdowns. Let's put this in perspective. Compared to his previous non-injury seasons where he was a starter, the yards will be a career second best. Carries will be a career second lowest. Touchdowns a career 3rd best. Does that guy seem like he's on a decline? Lighter workload with equal production. Arian Foster is going through a renaissance this year. To me, he's the best running back in the NFL. I know that Murray has the numbers and all of the highlight reel runs where it seems like he's just obliterating linebackers and safeties. But Foster has the better discipline, field vision, ball control and has an uncanny ability to make something out of nothing because he is working with an inferior offensive line than Murray has and he has to deal with a slightly below-average quarterback. Give me Arian Foster on any given Sunday (or Monday, or Thursday......).

I get it. Arian Foster is not JJ Watt. He is not on any corny H-E-B commercials hocking burgers and steaks for your neighborhood block party. He doesn't kiss babies or play nice with others. He isn't an all-American boy with blonde hair and blue eyes or a guy you would take home to meet your apron wearing, Starbucks drinking, minivan driving ass mother. So, don't treat him like you want to him to be. Arian is a different breed of cat. During training camp Foster went on a media strike and refused to talk to anyone in the media until John McClain of the Houston Chronicle, who admittedly doesn't pay attention to training camp, ratted him out to the league office and forced him to speak to the devils. Even then he was just trying to be a good teammate. I'm going to venture out and take a wild guess as to why he has taken the stance that he has:

This really happened. They went to the man's house to ask him about a woman that he impregnated. This is buttfuckery at its finest. What is it to anyone in the media what that man did behind closed doors? The only person that he needed to answer to was Mrs. Foster. Not you. Not me. Definitely Isaiah Carey. What was the purpose of this ambush? Did this sack of fuck bugs really think that he was going to get some decent and rational answers? "Why, yes, Mr. Carey. I loaded her up with all kinds of skeet hyuck hyuck." Just utterly dumb. If you want an example on how NOT to handle and alienate an athlete and not want him to deal with you anymore, just do what these anal warts did. Someone once told me- and I don't remember who and I don't really want to remember because I don't want to have to unleash the fury of a thousand molded and maggoty cheeseburgers on someone- that the media was the reason that Arian Foster got his big contract. I laughed so hard, shit came out of my nose. Literally, shit came out. It is like I fell asleep and woke up in retard hell- AKA- Tennessee. Who really thinks of this stuff?

"Congrats Mr Foster on your new million dollar contract!"

Thanks Commissioner Teal! First off I would like to thank the media for always being there for me. You guys were the reason I got pushed out of my mother's uterus with my blessed ability to find the endzone. Without you, I wouldn't have been able to win that rushing title because you were always behind me with Parkay leaking out of your pores and your breath smelling like a roadkill buffet. This is for you, guys! I love you!

Absurd, right?

One of these days, Arian Foster will retire. He will clean out his locker, hold a final press conference where hopefully he goes on a 30 minute tirade about how much he hates every single member of the media and the idiots who tweet threats at him because he couldn't win them their fantasy football game even though they started Geno Smith (God he sucks) as their QB. Then he will ride off into the sunset likely never to be heard of again until his name comes up on the Hall of Fame ballot. Personally, that will be a sad day. I am surely going to miss that guy when he's gone. He's the best in the game right now and just a genuine asshole that I just want to hug. For now, Arian Foster is here to stay. We need to get used to it.

Heed his advice:

#staysuckafree

Until next time cabrones,

Juan