The Monday Sunday Roundup: My Woman On The Side

Greetings from the cold, dark depths of an early October morning in Pennsylvania.  It's cold outside.  I have to wear jackets now.  I wear jackets at work as a matter of course, so I don't particularly care for wearing them on my own time.  But damn it, it's cold outside.  Dark, too.  I'm going to ask for your forgiveness in advance for this Roundup entry, as it may seem stilted or random; during the 1:00-4:00 hour yesterday, I was actually watching no fewer than five football games on television.  I even found myself paying an unusual amount of attention to the Steelers game.  See, the bar I go to (in Western Maryland, of all places) had what seemed like an unusual amount of Steelers fans in it yesterday, and I found myself yelling "IT'S STILL JACKSONVILLE" about thirty times over the course of the game.  But let me go ahead and get to the meat and bones of the matter; lots of football happened and it needs to be discussed.

1.  I have a confession to make.  It's not an easy one.  Since 2002, I've been carrying on a secret and slightly embarrassing love affair.  I wouldn't leave my main squeeze, the Washington Redskins, for anything in the world.  You have to know that.  I guess I just fell for the hardship story.  My other woman isn't the prettiest thing; she's sort of plain-looking, sometimes drab, and has low self-esteem due to the years of rejection and abuse she's endured.  Here's a picture of her now:

I guess it has to be said in plain written Anglish:  I like the Cleveland Browns.  If they're not playing the Washington Redskins, I root for them.  I want them to win all the games.  I can't help it.  The helmet.. my god, the helmet.  It's just so beautiful.  There's nothing there but orange football fury.  2007 was a wonderful year for me, and it was the year I almost went public with my infidelity.  The Redskins were already in the playoffs, and the last spot in the AFC was open.  It came down to Cleveland and Tennessee.  The Titans sneaked in due to a game I swear was fixed, and the 10-6 Browns were left on the outside looking in.  Face against the window, with tears of rage streaming down her face.  Never again, I thought.  I bought into the Browns that year with the conviction of a prisoner converting to Islam.  Derek Anderson was a superstar in the making.  Romeo Crennel, the coach at the time, had this team right in the mix.  There was Braylon Edwards, Kellen Winslow Jr., Jerome Harrison, and many more.  This was gonna be fun.  My lady finally got some of her self-esteem back.

Except, no.  2008-2013 took a big turn for the worse.  Coaches were hired, then fired after one year.  Pat Shurmur was given a job against all logic.  Drafts came and went.   Nothing changed.  So here we are now in 2014.  A guy named Mike Pettine was hired to run the team.  They had to stop giving up on themselves.  Their star WR was (is?) a raging pothead, and their QB is a guy whose reputation in the NFL was based SOLELY on the fact that he was once Tom Brady's backup, and worst of all, they hired a Shanahan onto their coaching staff.  You know, you even get tired of watching a train wreck after awhile, right?  Loud noises, people die, and onto the next.

This year hasn't been as mean to Cleveland as the few recent years have been.  My girl got herself into shape.  She dropped a few pounds.  She gave up some of her bad habits, like cutting herself and texting Juan at 3AM.  This is a new Cleveland Browns team, and if you need any evidence of that, check out yesterday's game  against the Titans.  Down 28-3 heading into halftime, except OOPS, Brian Hoyer does his quick little Brian Hoyer magic and it becomes 28-10.  Whatevs, right?  The Browns defense gave up two TD passes to Charlie Whitehurst in three attempts.  This fight they've been showing, it's all a mirage, right?  Right?   NOPE.  29-28 final in the Browns' favor on the strength of what may have been the finest half of football I've ever seen a team play.  OK, maybe this wasn't the 2006 AFC Championship game, but still. The Browns no longer give a hoot what you think about their helmets, their fans, the city of Cleveland and it's 300,000 men named Ray.  They're coming for your throat.  They're coming for your eyes and groin.  They're pissed off and they're not taking it anymore.  This is the most fun, and possibly the most dangerous, team in the league right now.  And I'm no longer embarrassed to be seen in public with my side piece.

2.  On the other side of the coin, the Steelers slugged their way to a hard-fought win over the Jagua-.... what?  Hard-fought win over Jacksonville?  How does that happen?  The Redskins dropped 41 points on Jacksonville.  The Jaguars aren't even ranked in the BCS standings because they're so bad.  Their QB is named Bortles, which sounds like a bottle of high-end gin.  But then I remembered that Pittsburgh lost to Tampa Bay, of 56-14 Monday Night Football fame, last week.  So it really does seem like all is right with the world.  And speaking of the right of the world...

3.  ...LOL @ the New York Jets.  If I really wanted to get into the problems this team has, I'd be writing forever.  All my friends and family would be long passed, it would be the year 3014, the new iSung Galaxy S623 would have just hit the market, and I'd still be here on my Google Chromebook, pounding away at those "SOOOO 2014" keys, explaining why Eric Decker was a bad signing and that Geno Smith isn't worth the paper his contract is printed on.  I mean, holy shit.  This is a tragedy.

4.  Who wants to explain to me how the Dallas Cowboys ended up starting the season 4-1?  Because I can't.  This is the same team they've had for years, give or take a Terrance Williams.  "Worst defense in NFL history" was the main conversation piece when talking about the Cowboys, circa 2013-2014.  How the.. HUH?  What the hell is going on here?!  Do they have the Browns on their schedule?  Because somebody's gotta put a stop to this.  This isn't right.  Why was JJ Watt not chewing on Tony Romo's spine yesterday?  Why were the Texans not able to move the ball against this defense?  Why was Ryan Fitzpatrick no-....BINGO!  I think I found the problem.  Fitzpatrick is dog food.  His own parents think he was the 3rd greatest QB in the history of Harvard.  He writes fan letters to Mark Wahlberg.  Actual stamp-and-envelope letters.  The man is a criminal mastermind, is what he is.  He has fleeced at least five different teams to the tune of millions of dollars and gotten away with it.  Worst of all, he lost to Dallas.  Get this man out of my league immediately.

5.  Antone Smith caught three passes yesterday for 83 yards, one being a touchdown.  He ran the ball once for two yards.  And the Falcons lost.  COINCIDENCE?  For the millionth time, why is this guy not more involved in the Falcons' offense?  If not for Julio Jones, he's the best player on the team!  Pleeeeease, let him walk in the offseason.  There has to be a team out there willing to give this guy the opportunity he deserves.

OK, so, tonight.  I took the night off work to watch my main woman, the Redskins, lose to the Seahawks.  Why would I do that?  Why would I say it like that?  Any given Sunday, right?  Have any of you jackasses seen the last two Monday Night Football games (or at least the same ones I've seen)?  We all know Seattle ain't losing 89-0, so there's really only one possible result.  But a night off is a night off.  I can cry alone instead of in front of my coworkers.  I can console myself by watching Brian Hoyer hit Travis Benjamin twice in the end zone. Because even if she's prettier now than she used to be, she inexplicably still loves me.

Take care!