And away we go.
NUMBER 5 - ...AND THEN THERE WERE TWO
Raise your hand if you had the Arizona Cardinals and Cincinnati Bengals as your last remaining undefeated teams this season. OK, you need to stop lying because no one thought these two were going to be the last two teams in the way of a bunch of old, crotchetty, diaper-wearing old men from the undefeated Miami Dolphins team from popping their apple juice bottles and partying like it's 1535. Honestly, I want to punch Mercury Morris and crew in the face every time the last team loses a game because those assholes can't allow a team or its fanbase to be happy about something. Seriously, fuck the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Celebrate DEEZ NUTS. Anyway, the Bengals will be coming off two bye weeks (fine, only one bye week. But for the record, playing the Tennessee Titans is kinda like a bye. But, I digress. How's THAT pick looking, Zane?) and heading to New England to play the Patriots (more on them in a minute). After that, they have the Panthers at home, Colts at Indy, and Ravens at home. My guess is that they won't come out of that stretch undefeated but you have to give it up to Marvin Lewis and crew for where they are since they lost their offensive and defensive coordinators. The Bengals are mean on both sides of the ball and the Ginger Quarterback is playing decent football. For now. As far as the Cardinals are concerned, Zane and I agreed that they are due for a big step up this season and they are proving us right. What's even more impressive? The fact that they are doing this with a backup QB in Drew Stanton who has been kicked around the league since being drafted 43rd in 2007. The Cardinals are the type of team that doesn't due anything great and look like that they should collapse any minute, then all of a sudden it's the fourth quarter and they are up 10 on you. They are sneaky. They are like pick-pockets. They are the NFL's version of Gollum and Smeagol without the bipolar disorder. I don't think they the Cards get past Denver on the road this weekend, but I still see them making a postseason run with Bruce Arians at the helm.
NUMBER 4 - THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN
Julio Cesar Chavez has always been all time favorite fighter. He spent his youth trucking would-be contenders and the occasional homeless Boxcar Willies. Nothing no one could do could derail this stallion of a man. Then, after all these years of dominance and ass-kickery, Chavez came across a young lion named Oscar De La Hoya who would lay the wood to him real good; destroying him physically and basically ending Chavez's career as a top guy. The New England Patriots are Chavez and the Kansas City Chiefs on Monday were De La Hoya. This could be a gross overreaction by me, but Tom Brady and the Patriots look finished. Done. Cooked. Rest in peace, putos. It's all over but the crying. When you see them handled like this, you start to notice everything that is wrong with them.Quarterback is old. Defense is swiss cheese. Receivers are little, fragile, and white. Gronk still isn't 100%. No real run game. Coach isn't spying on teams anymore. These things start to stick out like a Mexican in a Ferrari. It was so bad, that the Boston press are starting to write about life after Tom Brady. Maybe we need to be praising the effort of the Kansas City Chiefs more than we are, but these are the mighty Patriots we are talking about. They have been the poster boys of consistent dominance for over the decade. Yes, they haven't won a Super Bowl since 2004, but they are always there. There are organizations who would sacrifice small villages to be in New England's position. Perhaps Kansas City is the real deal, but they have their issues as well. They are not long removed from a beating at the hand of the Tennessee Titans, who have lost 3 straight games by an average of 55 points. Who knows what happens next. Can Kansas City build off of this game and make it interesting in the AFC West? Can New England regroup and take out all of their anger on the Cincinnati Bengals next week? Those are questions that will be answered soon. Maybe it is over for the Pats. Like the great Chavez, they all fall eventually.
NUMBER 3 - DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK
Up until a few years ago, the NFC East was seen as a powerhouse division. Four fierce rivals spent the year destroying each with a chance to make a run in the playoffs. Though the records rarely reflected it, the Cowboys, Eagles, Giants, and Redskins were always quality teams that played each other tough. Recently, that division had become bad. It could be that the division was overhyped and not really that great to begin with. If that's the case, that showed to be very true the last few years. That division's title would usually be decided by two 7-8 teams on the last game of the season and the winner would usually take its place on the fishing lake after the wild card week. Well, the NFC is no longer the red-headed stepchild for now. They are looking like a formidable division once again with the resurrection of the New York Giants, the Dallas Cowboys, and the Philadelphia Eagles. (Sorry Zane. Washington is asswater right now). The Eagles soared out of the gate to a 3-0 record with 3 straight comebacks and were looking like they were going to run away with the division. That is until they went to San Francisco and were bludgeoned to death by the 49ers. That game was one of those beatings where you didn't get the KO punch on the chin. They took a sustained body punching, internal bleeding type beatdown. It was ugly. The Eagles scored 21 points on the 49ers' offense and special teams, but none came against SF's defense. The Giants started off 0-2 before producing two straight dominating wins over the Texans and Redskins. Eli Manning seems to be comfortable in his new offense and is taking care of the ball while the Giants defense is playing up to their potential. To me, they look to be the most complete team of the division and should be favored to finish at the top. The Cowboys, who are bipolar, started their season getting their heads mashed in by the 49ers at San Francisco West aka AT&T Stadium in Arlington, TX. Tony Romo had 3 interceptions by halftime and just looked like a team that could potentially have the worst record in the NFL. Since then, Dallas has won 3 straight over the Titans, Rams and Saints and have a date with the 3-1 Texans this Sunday. FRP favorite Demarco Murray is gashing defenses behind a dominant o-line and Romo is taking care of the ball and is not being asked to do a lot. (More on them in the next post) The season is still young and it is still possible that every team in this division regresses (in the Redskins' case, progress) to the mean, but it seems like the NFC East is getting back to normal.
NUMBER 2 - WELL, BYE
This blog was founded on ridiculous views and opinions, and what you are about to read is no different. I hate the NFL bye week system. I don't know whose bright idea it was to give teams off weeks at all the weird times that they do, but it is a ridiculous system. Why doesn't the NFL give these teams all the same week off like all the other normal sports? It's because they're the NFL, stupid. Duh. Can't tell them what to do because these hipster motherfuckers just have to be different. I keep forgetting this is the same sport that employs a man with complete control of the league. Judge, jury, and illicit asshole. Whatever. I'm in favor of every team getting the same week off. No games. Nobody plays. Everyone can go to church or Sunday Funday or whatever people do these days. All of these fantasy football losers can tear themselves away from setting their shitty rosters full of their favorite players from the Jacksonville Jaguars who have already caused them to get blown out every week. No loser blog posts from loser writers about how much their loser team sucked loser ass that week. Everyone gets a break so they can all rest up and finish out the season. Give them all Week 9. Hell... you can even make that Pro-Bowl week . Fly these guys to Hawaii or some other ebola-infested area so they can do some kind of skills competition because no one gives a half-dead fuck about playing in the Pro-Bowl anyway. See? I'm killing two birds with one stone here. Make the NFL season normal and eliminate a useless "game". Even better? Take this "Pro-Bowl weekend" to London instead of forcing teams to blow one of their home games on a country that would rather see Manchester United trot out an all of a sudden fully haired Wayne Rooney and his band of Red Devils than a epic loser team like the Jaguars. Stop this. Stop this now.
NUMBER 1 - THE NEW WAY TO SPELL MVP
For those of you that are new, or ignorant, here, I am a Texans homer. Andre Johnson and Arian Foster make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Not that kind of warm and fuzzy, perverts. These guys are why I watch this football mess. But Houston has a new mayor now. A new sheriff is in town, if you will. I introduce to you, Mayor JJ Watt.
Unless you haven't been paying attention, JJ Watt is absolutely dominating the NFL right now. I know it is easy to call him the best defensive player in football, but I think we can safely say that he is the absolute best player in the NFL now. I know that you might think that Aaron Rodgers is the man that holds that title, but I might think that you are dead ass wrong. That's not an indictment on the Discount Double-Check guy, but it just goes to show what kind of a one-man gang Watt is. I am going to give you a couple of small samples of what JJ Watt has done.
- 16 quarterback hits - 16 times JJ Watt has laid the wood to a quarterback. That is MORE THAN 17 TEAMS COMBINED. Nine (!) of those came in one game against the Bills
- This happened:
These are not the things a 3-4 defensive end should be doing, but Watt is doing them, and doing them better than everyone in the league. The reason the Texans have gotten out to a 3-1 start is largely because of what Watt is doing. Washington? Blocked a PAT and ground RGIII into dogmeat. Raiders? He scored an offensive touchdown. Bills? The video above. There is nothing that JJ Watt can't do. Need a tree uprooted? Call JJ Watt. Need a car moved out of your way? Call JJ Watt. Need a few corny commercials done? Call JJ Watt. It is very early into his career, but as much as he has gotten better there isn't a way that he doesn't become an all-time great. And to think, a lot of us were displeased when we picked Watt over Nick Fairly. Even to the point where someone wrote this article that we can all point and laugh at when we are having a bad day. Again, the season is young, but Houston has its man and quite possibly its MVP as well.
Until next time, cabrones
Juan
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