Welcome back, turds. This blog has been quiet for the last week, and I sorta feel like, at least on my end, I don't even really have to explain why. My job is in its busiest time of the year, and as for Juan, you'd have to ask him. It probably has something to do with being secretly gay. I know you're all thinking, "Secretly? Are you for realz?" All I mean is that he has neither confirmed nor denied it. Being trapped in the closet is a lot of pressure for a father of three. Don't be fooled by his relationship with Olivia Munn.. it's a diversion. A smokescreen. Huh? That's Aaron Rodgers? Juan couldn't get within a mile of one of Munn's dirty socks? I KNOW, RIGHT? So off we go.
1. Yesterday was a good time to be one of Tom Brady's former backup QB's. A more specific way to say this is that yesterday was a good day to be one of Tom Brady's former #2's (and there's your explanation) that was recently traded to the Houston Texans. Ryan Mallett was perfectly acceptable against his archnemesis Brian Hoyer (the second-most famous of Brady's former backups) and the Cleveland Browns. Even with Arian Foster out of the game, he wasn't asked to do much besides not make mistakes and not turn the ball over, and he did that just fine. Don't get it twisted; Mallett has the potential to do more than just be acceptable. His arm strength rivals Jay Cutler's. Dude has a serious cannon strapped to his shoulder. But a game plan like this was probably the best way to ease him into his new role as a starter. I can't shake the harsh reality that this is a guy that lost a backup QB job in New England to Jimmy Garoppolo. Speaking of Jimmy, I think I have officially made misspelling his name a thing now. That was the first time I've ever written it correctly. Normally it looks like this: Garoppoppopoopopoooopopopopopopopolo. Why? I dunno, I just think it's kinda funny. I may be the only one who thinks that. Aaaaanyway, Mallett is 1-0 as a starter in the NFL, and I'd have to say his career trajectory is most likely pointing upward. Yes, yes, I know, I said the same thing about Kirk Cousins, but Kirk Cousins can eat a bowl of piss. On the other side of the coin, there's just something about Brian Hoyer that makes me refuse to fully endorse him as the QB the Cleveland Browns need. He's too hot-n-cold. At his best he looks like, if not an elite QB, then an upper-tier one. At his worst, he completes 40% of his passes like he did yesterday. Brian Hoyer should not be throwing the ball 50 times. The good looks really good, the bad looks really bad. There's just no middle ground with this guy. I won't call him a game manager, because he actually is something of a playmaker. But I have to go ahead and officially declare my doubt that his playmaking ability is on par with that of Johnny Manziel. This was the kind of game that can cost a QB a contract. Hoyer is up for one after the season ends, and I just can't really fathom Cleveland shelling out big money to keep him around. Not when you have a Heisman winner and professional jersey salesman sitting on the bench, frothing at the mouth to get his chance. I dunno. It almost seems like a good problem to have. But I also said THAT about Kirk Cousins. And speaking of big #2's....
2. There's a Litmus test for professional QB's. Even a down-on-his-luck starting QB has a game every season where he's just allowed to shine. Where the team, and the fans, can just sit back with that smug look on their faces that makes everyone within reach want to punch them and say "THAT'S why we drafted this kid." Yesterday was one of those games for Robert Griffin III. In theory, at least. He failed. Miserably. He led the Redskins to a loss against Tampa Bay. If you watch the NFL, that sentence needs no clarification. If you can't beat Tampa Bay, you can't play in this league. I know, I know. It's not all Griffin's fault. I know his line blows. I know the defense makes Swiss cheese jealous. I know all this. There are a ton of reasons that Griffin is failing. However, here is one fact that you cannot make any excuses for: when Griffin is in the game, the Redskins are simply a bad team. He makes a decent team worse with his presence. Look how the Redskins played against the Cowboys with Colt McCoy in the game. They were inspired. They wanted to win. They made few mistakes. They looked like a dangerous team. Insert Griffin and they look like the SCLSU Mud Dogs, before Bobby Boucher showed up. The guy has to go. He's not coachable. He's obviously bringing bad chemistry to the team. I heard something like this about Ryan Leaf. Once you get compared to Ryan Leaf, your career is officially on the black list. Bye, man. Say hi to Jameis Winston on your way out.
3. I'm throwing you guys a curveball here. This segment isn't about football. Other than the curveball reference, it doesn't even have anything to do with sports. It's TV time on the Punter. I think it's time to announce that, according to my own recollection, I've seen more jail rape on Sons of Anarchy than I ever saw on Oz, an HBO show about a maximum security prison. If Sons was a show about jail, this wouldn't even be an issue. Yes, it's a show about crime and criminals, and when dealing with crime and criminals, jail is always in the periphery. But Sons of Anarchy is on cable. And it's not about jail. And there is an unusually high amount of jail rape in the show, especially in the past few seasons. Honestly, the rapes themselves don't bother me that much; even though I'm full-on hetero, I'm not one of those that has to loudly proclaim how disgusting I find gay scenes in television and movies when I see them. I loved Brokeback Mountain and I don't give a damn who knows it. But jail rape? The straw that broke the camel's ass wasn't your ordinary jail sex scene. It wasn't the jail rapes your grandparents told you about when you were 4. What's that? Nobody else's grandparents told them jail rape stories? Whatever. This was a special case. This was historic.
This was a Marilyn Manson jail rape.
Yes. Theo Rossi (Juice) was, on screen, raped in prison by Marilyn Manson. And it didn't look all that much out of place. I can totally see MM being a sexual predator. I'm sure he's not in real life, but he makes both a convincing jailhouse daddy and a natural Aryan Brotherhood leader. The creepiest thing about it was that, at the end of the episode, MM was reading love poems to Juice while Juice did cocaine and prepared for what I assume was another off-screen butthammering. I dunno.. this show lost me a long time ago. Most of the blame for that goes to Vince Gilligan, because he created Breaking Bad and Breaking Bad is superior to everything that has ever been transmitted over any medium, save for the one you're currently reading. I'm better than Breaking Bad. But only me.
So that's all I have for this week. I LOL'd at the Denver Broncos yesterday for getting beat by St. Louis, but St. Louis beats good teams and makes it look easy. Tonight, Ben Roethlisberger has a chance to get him off my rape-joke shit list by pounding the Tennessee Titans. I have to assume that's what's gonna happen. If not, he and I are gonna have a problem. I'll fight him, no questions asked. I know he doesn't want any of this action. And if you believe a word of that, I love you. Really, I do.
Bye!
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