Morning, buttholes. You get the Roundup on its correct day this week. If you're looking for an apology for the last one, don't bother, it ain't happening. I'm old. My memory doesn't work the way it used to. Man, what a strange statement.. if my memory was really that bad, I wouldn't remember a time when it was better, would I? And that is your daily dose of Zen. You're welcome. Let's talk about football.
1. Son of a Roethlisberger. Goddamn it, Ben. You were having the best mid-season surge anyone had ever seen. You threw six touchdowns in each of your last two games. We all thought you'd discovered the passion. The passion you normally only had when you had a poor, defenseless woman cornered in a bathroom with two bodyguards watching the door. You were translating that into football fury. You were supposed to be the guy that got the media to stop talking about Peyton Manning and Tom Brady for three f'ing seconds. That was you. You and Antonio Brown. The SuperFriends. Montana and Rice 2.0. BUT THEN YOU LOST TO THE JETS. You lost to a team that was on an eight-game losing streak. Who do you think you play for, the Redskins?! This was gonna be the game where you got the mark of the beast. Had you done what you were supposed to do, that was actually going to be the subtitle of this post! The Mark Of The Beast. 666. Don't make me explain this, folks. The Jets' secondary is awful. My friend Juan threw for 400 yards against that defense in a scrimmage game.
But you know what? This is actually my fault. Mine. Ben got the kiss of death. What do I mean? I mean I not only added him to my fantasy football team, I plugged him in as the starting QB. I really don't know why I'm surprised; I'm actually more surprised that he didn't blow out every ligament in all of his knees on the first snap of the game. My bad, Ben. But still, you owe me for this one. I'm gonna make rape jokes until you pay off this debt. I mean, it's not like I would generally care about a Steelers/Jets game, but nobody wanted to see you lose to Michael Vick. It's not a good look. Much like cornering a woman in a restroom. It looks suspicious. You raped hundreds of thousands of women. Great, now I have football Tourette's. The Cleveland Browns are in sole possession of first place in the AFC North, and it's not week 2. This one is on you, Rapey. Not that I have any problem with Cleveland being on top.
2. Marshawn Lynch, if you listen to the media, is not a happy camper in Seattle these days, but he sure as hell isn't playing like an unhappy guy. I didn't see much of the Seahawks/Giants game, but when I read the stat line after the game was over, and saw that Lynch scored four touchdowns, the first words out of my mouth were "WHOOOOOOOAAA BUNDY!" Four touchdowns in a game? Polk High? Yeah? Anyway, either this guy is just looking for a parachute for when Seattle dumps his ass this offseason, or we're being lied to and manipulated, like the many many female victims of Ben Roethlisberger. I guess this would be a decent time to make a written indictment of the Giants' run defense, but what would be the point? They suck so much, if they were a broken clock, they would only be right once a day. Is it fixable? Who cares? The Giants can eat a bowl of rocks. It's weird, I don't actually hate the Giants, but there is no other team, Dallas included, that I would rather see lose in this sort of fashion. When it happens to the Cowboys, it's like watching a puppy get kicked. You cringe, and you feel bad for the puppy on some level, though you're not angry at the puppy kicker. When it's the Giants, you buy the puppy kicker a beer. You go to the bar and buy him wings. You watch Ben Roethlisberger cast furtive glances around the bar, post a lookout at the bathroom door, and go in to "handle his business." And by that I mean bathroom rape.
3. I'm gonna go ahead and call this: the winner of the NFC South will not have a winning record this year. Man, what a dumpster fire this Ben Roethlisberger raped like thirty women division is. This is pre-2011 NFC West bad. I think we should move two of these teams to London, and the other two to Los Angeles. Two birds, one stone, amirite? If this division sends a 7-9 team to the playoffs, like the Seahawks did in 2010, I have a feeling the league is gonna make changes to the playoff rules. Also, Ben Roethlisberger is a sexual predator. These four teams combined have three more wins than the Arizona Cardinals.
4. And speaking of those guys, don't panic. Drew Stanton can do anything Carson Palmer can do. Unlike Ben Roethlisberger, Stanton has never sexually assaulted a woman. This team is on fire. They do literally everything well. NFC Champions. I'll bet you a dollar.
OK, tonight. Normally I could give two donkey shits less about a Philadelphia/Carolina game, but this one is special. This one is historic. This game marks the return of the author of the most hilarious play in NFL history: THE BUTTFUMBLE. Yep. Mark Sanchez is back. Nick Foles had his collarbone broken by Ben Roethlisberger when BR mistook him for a woman in the bathroom. It's the long hair, bro. Anyone coulda made that mistake. Anyway, I'll be watching this for that reason and that reason alone. I don't think Sanchez is an improvement over Foles.. but nor do I believe that Foles is appreciably better than Sanchez. Tonight is the night we get to see what this vaunted "Chip Kelly offense" is made of. If Sanchez can run it, anyone can. Except Ben Roethlisberger. He's too busy raping.
Peace!
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