Good evening, ladies and sperms. Welcome back to the only
place you should ever be if you need insightful and enlightening sports banter
and…… who the fuck am I kidding. I know why you’re here. YOU know why you’re
here. So why don’t we just get to it already.
As you well know, Zane and I have been running a series of
posts of us taking the coaching reigns of the Oakland Raiders for your
entertainment. We are the co-coaches of this delightful mess out here in the
dirty toilet bowl named Oakland. We don’t even have designated
responsibilities. We just go out there and wreck shit. Kick ass. Take names.
That’s what we do.
Whatever we’re doing, it’s working. Ever since Coach Teal
and I have taken over the team full-time, our shitty little Raiders have won
two out of three games, including Sunday’s straight gangsta beatdown of the
Harbaugh-led San Francisco 49ers 24-13. We’re not going to get into what
happened last week versus the Rams because that goes against anything and
everything we stand for.
Game is over. We exchange pleasantries with Jim Harbaugh at
the 50 yard line. By exchange pleasantries, I mean that we nut-punched him and wished him good luck
at Michigan next year. The players are in the locker rooms, except for Derek
Carr. He’s currently on the podium addressing the media regarding his finest
performance as an NFL rookie thus far. And the shenanigans begin.
Derek Carr: We have been playing good football these
last few weeks and it shows. The offensive line has been doing a good job protecting me. I've been able to hit open rece-
*commotion ensues*
Coach Teal: Kid... shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of here. It's Uncle Z and Daddy J time now bitches.
*Collective gasp. A snicker or two*
Coach Adame: Listen, bitches. You are now in the presence of true greatness. In the name of Al Davis and all else that is unholy, look at Uncle Z's big ass gold chain. That thing is worth more than all of your pitiful lives put together. It looks like a unicorn took a shit and it wrapped around his neck and fit to glorious perfection. And the sunglasses? You buck fucks are not worthy enough to stare into the eyes of an American winner. This man made Colin Kaepernick look and play like Muppet Gonzo. He made this big-nosed freak think he was going against 11 Richard Shermans out there. Since we are now better than Lombardi and Landry and the hoodied asshole from New England, Uncle Z is gonna go donkeyfuck Suzy Kolber and impregnate her elbow. So y'all need to hurry this up.
Coach Teal: Thank you Daddy J, but you're the real winner here. I mean, look at your Raiders' cap and Starter jacket. You look like one of those bad asses in the background of an Ice Cube video. I knew that was your 64 Impala sitting on spokes in the parking lot. You somehow made Derek Carr into something that resembles a quarterback. You made that Rivera kid forget his name was Mychal and he went for over 100 receiving yards. Why do the dipshits in the front office even care about Harbaugh? We don't need him. Maybe that asshole can coach special teams or something. This is our show now. First question!
Reporter 1: Coach Te-
Coach Teal: Hey, asshole, can you not HEAR?! The names are now Uncle Z, and Daddy J. Unless you want me to start calling you General Man-tits, I suggest you straighten up.
Reporter 1: Sorry, Uncle Z. How were you able to bounce back from that 52-0 beating you took from the Rams last week?
Coach Teal: Listen, fucker. How were you able to bounce back from that beating your mom's ass took from that mountain goat? Shit happens. Actually, you can't blame us for that one. We spent the first half of that game counting our lucky stars that the Texans drafted Jadeveon Clowney before our front office decided to fuck that pick up. Did you hear? He had microfracture surgery on his vagina the other day. Glad we dodged that bullet. Anyway, when we came back from getting shitfaced in the parking lot with a couple of the fine homeless Oakland folk, better known as "Raider Nation", we were already down 95-0, so we did what we had to do. Daddy J noticed that Jeff Fisher would lick his lips everytime he looked in Derek's direction. And since he is a child molesting pervert, we got Derek the hell out of there. We threw Musty Matt Schaub out there and he didn't disappoint. Apparently, Fisher stopped "coaching" (makes air quotes) in disgust because all of a sudden the Rams started to look like a real football team because they pick-sixed Matt's dumbass and caused him to lose a fumble. That is otherwise known as "another day in the office for Mr Schaub. Listen, can someone get Daddy J a glass of water? He seems to be losing his breath from all of the laughing and crying he's doing. Anyway, I told the team that if they embarrass me like that again, I was going to get Sarah Palin and Rick Perry to give them motivational speeches of how they were able to become governors of two states from the toilets they crawled out of. Guess what turkey lips, it WORKED.
Reporter 2: Daddy J... are you alright?
Coach Adame: Look man, I was just going through a lot of emotions right there. Uncle Z was just talking about Schaub and I started feeling all sorts of things. I'm from fucking Houston, you know. You got eyes. You saw what happened. Fuck you.
Reporter 2: My apologies. Derek Carr had his best game today. What do you contribute that to?
Coach Adame: I contribute that to showing him naked pictures of your mom and telling him that this could be your future if you don't get your head out of your ass. He cried a lot afterwards, but he manned the fuck up today. But seriously, look, we know who his brother is. We know Derek is destined for earth-shattering failure. There is no stopping that. The light shines on a dog's hairless, mangy ass sometimes. And today was this mutt's lucky day. It's now in his nature to hate the 49ers, so he channeled his inner Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson and he got to punching and a-switching. The kid was an animal today. The kid looked like what Gonzo Kaepernick was supposed to look like if Gonzo didn't inhale Candlestick Park through that nose. Speaking of that nose, I think one of your reporter friends is stuck in his right nostril. Y'all might want to check that out. Anyway, the kid looked great. And Uncle Z is right, I grabbed that Rivera kid by the face mask and told him that today, his first name was spelled M-I-C-H-A-E-L, not M-Y-C-H-A-L. Lo and behold, he went over a hundred yards today. That shit was no accident. Latavius Murray did OK today. I told him to chill out averaging 20 yards a carry because he might get attention and think that he can just up and leave one day. Fuck that shit. Oak-town for life, bitch.
Reporter 3: Do you think this team has turned the corner?
Coach Teal: What do you mean turn the corner? I think I saw your wife turn tricks around the corner the other night. I had to turn her down because she is not my type. Look, we're still the Raiders. We are a dumpster fire mixed with a 3 legged donkey. We are going to Kansas City next Sunday where the average weight there is measured in tons. I'm afraid that the locals will see us and mistake us for lunch and dinner. Plus I think the Chiefs are mad at us for whoopin' their ass a few weeks ago. They are out for revenge. They might even let Alex Smith throw the ball 9 yards downfield next Sunday.
Coach Adame: Fuck Kansas City. How the fuck are you named Kansas City and be in Missouri? Retards. That's as bad as Dallas being in Texas when you know those fuckbags belong in Oklahoma. I'm not worried about the fucking Chiefs and their stupid world-record crowd noise. Imagine how loud they would be if they had a real team to cheer for. I think they are so loud now because they keep showing fried chicken discounts on their scoreboard. Bunch of fat asses. Speaking of fat asses, Andy Reid has seven of them. We have a plan to distract him from executing any kind of plan. Uncle Z and I are going to dress up as a turkey leg and an extra-large meat lover's pizza. Once he sees that, he'll forget he has Jamal Charles again and just put the motherfucker on autopilot and have Alex Smith throw the ball 85 times, all 85 passes being short of the first-down marker. We're gonna fuck them up again.
Coach Teal: Look assholes, as Daddy J said, I got a hot fucking date later. We need to wrap this shit up. Remember this... WE are responsible for this shithole of a team being relevant again. Don't let anyone tell you different. When we beat KansASS City again next Sunday, you motherfuckers better be ready to spend the entire press conference on your knees because y'all are going to be bowing to us like we were the motherfucking kings of Zamunda. Now get the fuck out of here before we get like Montgomery Burns and release the hounds. Go Raiders, bitches.
Reporters: Thanks for your time, guys...
Until next time, cabrones...
Juan
Coach Teal: What do you mean turn the corner? I think I saw your wife turn tricks around the corner the other night. I had to turn her down because she is not my type. Look, we're still the Raiders. We are a dumpster fire mixed with a 3 legged donkey. We are going to Kansas City next Sunday where the average weight there is measured in tons. I'm afraid that the locals will see us and mistake us for lunch and dinner. Plus I think the Chiefs are mad at us for whoopin' their ass a few weeks ago. They are out for revenge. They might even let Alex Smith throw the ball 9 yards downfield next Sunday.
Coach Adame: Fuck Kansas City. How the fuck are you named Kansas City and be in Missouri? Retards. That's as bad as Dallas being in Texas when you know those fuckbags belong in Oklahoma. I'm not worried about the fucking Chiefs and their stupid world-record crowd noise. Imagine how loud they would be if they had a real team to cheer for. I think they are so loud now because they keep showing fried chicken discounts on their scoreboard. Bunch of fat asses. Speaking of fat asses, Andy Reid has seven of them. We have a plan to distract him from executing any kind of plan. Uncle Z and I are going to dress up as a turkey leg and an extra-large meat lover's pizza. Once he sees that, he'll forget he has Jamal Charles again and just put the motherfucker on autopilot and have Alex Smith throw the ball 85 times, all 85 passes being short of the first-down marker. We're gonna fuck them up again.
Coach Teal: Look assholes, as Daddy J said, I got a hot fucking date later. We need to wrap this shit up. Remember this... WE are responsible for this shithole of a team being relevant again. Don't let anyone tell you different. When we beat KansASS City again next Sunday, you motherfuckers better be ready to spend the entire press conference on your knees because y'all are going to be bowing to us like we were the motherfucking kings of Zamunda. Now get the fuck out of here before we get like Montgomery Burns and release the hounds. Go Raiders, bitches.
Reporters: Thanks for your time, guys...
Until next time, cabrones...
Juan
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