(Coach Adame and Coach Teal enter the press room. Coach Teal hurries to his seat, talking on his cell phone. Snippets of his conversation can be heard throughout the press conference. Coach Adame is a little slower and more deliberate. Five minutes later, he takes a seat at the table in front of the microphone.)
Coach Adame: OK, fuckbags, let me have it. You saw the same thing I just did, so let's not pretend we don't know what's up. First question.
Reporter #1: My question is for Coach Teal. Coach Teal, following last week's surprise win over San Francisco, how does it feel to come down in such a decisive fashion to the Chiefs, whom you defeated earlier in the season?
Coach Teal: (scowls, waves dismissively at the reporter, jerks his thumb toward Coach Adame) (says into the phone) ... and I know you took my cinnamon roll too!
Reporter #1: OK, Coach Adame, I'll address the same question to you.
Coach Adame: Hey, you're Bryant Gumbel! Man, they sent the big guns to this press conference, didn't they? I knew this shit would happen one day! Who's next, Larry King?
Greg Gumbel: Actually, Coach, no. I'm Greg Gumbel, here on behalf of CBS. Bryant is my brother. Anyway, my question-
Coach Adame: OK, Bryant, I'ma let you finish. But before I do, just let me say two things: first, this guy is the only reporter allowed to ask us questions this week. I mean, shit, that's Bryant Gumbel. Secondly, I would like to address last week's press conference. Last week, I asked that you all refer to me as Daddy J. That no longer applies today. See, you know that saying that a team will take on the personality of its coach? I thought about it and realized that, in the end, Daddy J just wasn't cutting it. It's not bold enough. It lacks toughness. So, from here on, I will answer to, and only to, Big Daddy J, King of Kings. You're up, Bryant.
Greg Gumbel: Greg. Anyway, Coach Adame, was it a letdown to lose so decisively to the Chiefs after defeating them earlier in the season, and after your win against the 49ers?
Coach Adame: (stares blankly at Gumbel, begins looking around the room as though expecting another question. He looks at Coach Teal, who looks back and gives a slight shrug)
Coach Teal: .. better not be ordering room service, either! You ain't even that hot!
Greg Gumbel: Coach Adame, would you like me to repeat the question?
Coach Adame: (silence)
Coach Teal: .. yeah, hold on a sec. (puts his hand over the speaker) WHO THE HELL IS THIS MORON TALKING TO?
Greg Gumbel: *sigh* Big Daddy J, King of Kings. Was this loss a letdown after last week's win and the previous win over the Chiefs?
Coach Adame: Nahhhh, not really. What you saw out there wasn't what you think you saw, Bryant. See, Coach Teal and I are looking to the future. It's so bright that we need shades. We're gonna do so many big things for this team that we're gonna get big-ass platinum statues of our heads right in the middle of downtown Los Angeles. It's gonna be so epic that they're gonna build duplicate statues in San Antonio, just to be on the safe side. But you can't fuck shit up on that scale with a #4 draft pick, can you Bryant? So what you thought you saw today as a 20-something point loss was actually the first shot fired in the war that Coach Teal and I are going to win. Decisively. The whole LA Metro population is gonna be lined up all the way to Fresno, waiting to lick the sweat off our balls. You got another question? (opens a bag of Peanut M&M's and starts eating them)
Greg Gumbel: Big Daddy J, King of Kings, what do you and Coach Teal think of the rumors that your general manager, Reggie McKenzie, is likely to be fired after the season?
Coach Teal: .. think I give a shit what your mom says? That bitch never coached in the NFL!
Coach Adame: Maaaaaan, I like Reggie, he's a helluva dude. But did you know he traded a draft pick.. and ACTUAL DRAFT PICK.. for Matt Schaub? You remember how hard the world laughed when the Colts traded a first-round pick for Trent Richardson? This is like that times seven. My man Reggie makes poor decisions. He's the one that put me and Coach Teal in this mess we're in now. But hey, Bryant, it's cool, man. I'm sure he'll land on his feet somewhere.
Greg Gumbel: Coach Adame, I'm Greg Gumbel, not Bryant Gumbel. Anyway, some observers felt that you lacked your usual fire on the sidelines today. They said that you seemed far more low-key than you've been since you and Coach Teal took over the team. Do you think that had any effect on your team's performance?
Coach Adame: (stares at Greg Gumbel for 42 seconds in silence)
Greg Gumbel: (rubs bridge of nose) Big Daddy J, King of Kings, did your sideline manner effect your team's performance today?
Coach Adame: Look, Brad, I'm gonna level with you: I'm high as fuck right now. Have been since about 8 this morning. Josh Gordon told me the Midwest has some of the best shit in the country for the best prices. I'm Mexican, I don't even really know what good weed is, but this is some good goddamn weed. So maybe I called a few too many pass plays. Blame the weed, Bret. If you coached the Oakland Raiders, you'd be high as hell all the time too.
Coach Teal: ... bullshit, all I gotta do is call your parole officer! I know you're on your third strike already!
Greg Gumbel: Coach, one last question. You mentioned the draft earlier. Would you consider drafting Marcus Mariota, the 2014 Heisman Trophy winner, only a year after you drafted Derek Carr?
Coach Adame: (yawns, looks around the room silently)
Greg Gumbel: Look, I'm not doing this anymore. You two have to be the most unprofessional coaches in the hist-
Coach Teal: (hangs up phone, yells at the top of his lungs, startling everyone) BIG DADDY J, KING OF KINGS!
Coach Adame: Aaaaand he's back.
Greg Gumbel: Coach Teal, thanks for joining us. I'll address that question to you. Is Marcus Mariota in your draft plans for 2015?
Coach Teal: Holy shit, you're Bryant Gumbel! I'm a big fan of yours! Hey Juan, look, it's Bryant Gumbel! Man, who did you piss off to draw THIS assignment, huh? I thought you were working for Showtime now? You know what, it doesn't matter. It's nice to see they sent a REAL reporter. Who are they gonna send next, Larry King? I mean, you're no Suzy Kolber, but neither was Suzy Kolber after I got done with her last week, wink wink! Anyway, Bryant, to answer your question, that's what she said.
Greg Gumbel: Best of luck in 2015, gentlemen.
Coach Adame: (passes out and starts snoring, Coach Teal steals his Peanut M&M's)
And that'll do it for this week. See ya when I see ya!
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