There is no next generation!

I was actually going to type this entry about five days ago.  See, Juan and I had a gentleman's agreement leading up to this Sunday that we would go full-tilt on each other.  Very few things were out of bounds.  There was no such thing as "inappropriate," or "too far."  Yesterday Juan penned this hilarious and masterfully crafted piece that was in the full spirit of our agreement.  We were going to burn the internet to the ground.  And that was a wonderful effort.  I suppose I waited until today to write mine because I didn't want his piece to seem... I dunno, reactionary.

But none of it matters.  The Houston Texans, the fans of the Houston Texans, the Texans suits, coaches, equipment managers, landscapers at Reliant.. they're the walking dead.  They could pummel the Redskins this Sunday, and it would mean nothing.  They could put together seven undefeated, Super Bowl-winning seasons, claiming the Steelers' record of the most Lombardis, and nobody would care.  And for one simple reason:

For now, forever, since the beginning of time until the end.. that face will represent the Houston Texans.

Let me go further:  Matt Schaub is not just the eternal face of the Houston Texans (the Kim il-Sung of the franchise, if you will).  That face is the face of Houston, Texas.  It's not Andre Johnson.  It's not JJ Watt.  It's not Hakeem Olajuwan, Craig Biggio, Jeff Bagwell, Warren Moon, Earl Campbell, Lorenzo White, George Foreman, or anyone else.  That prematurely-balding, glassy-eyed, pedo-smiling waste of space is yours, Houston.  You own him.  He doesn't play in Houston anymore?  Doesn't matter.  If I leave my shitty phone at someone's house, it's still my phone.  And that's what Matt Schaub is:  your shitty cell phone.

So earlier I referenced five days ago.  Five days ago, Matt Schaub, the most prolific quarterback the city of Houston has ever seen (shut up about Warren Moon, he's part of the Titans' history now) failed to secure a job that was giftwrapped for him.  He was traded to the worst team of the last decade, the Oakland Raiders, and he couldn't seal the deal.  Your messiah failed in Oakland, Texans fans.  I'm currently ahead of him on the Raiders' QB depth chart.  The most integral part of your football team's history basically went to the bar full of the fattest, most obnoxious and desperate women on the planet.. and failed to get laid.  After that, nothing I can say will matter.

I could make prison metaphors, as I'm wont to do from time to time, about Trent Williams having coerced sex with Jadeveon Clowney.  I had a great joke about JJ Watt and a moose lined up, and the punchline indicated that they had intercourse.  I could say that Arian Foster is the next Christopher Reeve, without the benefit of being loved or talented.  I could do all these things.

But why should I?

This reminder of everything the Houston Texans are or will ever be suffices just fine.

You will never climb out from under this shadow.  The shadow of a man who struck out at tee-ball.  Your future is your past, Texans fans, and your past looks like this:

Also, he was once Michael Vick's backup for a number of years.

See you on Sunday.