Goooooooood morning, ladies and gents. If you're reading this, you obviously know by now that it's not Monday. That's not really by design; normally this is where I tell you all how hard I work, with all the long hours and whatnot. At that point you start lamenting. LAMENTING, I say. You cannot believe that I'm being subjected to such abuse. You depend on me every Monday, and because of pure corporate greed, because of the demands placed upon me by my bosses, I let you down. That's what you're all thinking, and it would be lovely if that was the truth. Here's the bare-ass bones of the matter: I forgot. Something I've done almost every Monday morning of this NFL season, I forgot to do yesterday. I did in fact work long hours, and I was tired, and maybe a little moody, but that hasn't stopped me before. I just forgot. I came home, I fired up Netflix and binge-watched a few episodes of That 70's Show, and I fell asleep. Hey, it happens, right? Get off my back already! Write your own blog if it means that much to you, gawd!
1. It's times like this when I come to realize that I can sometimes be too subtle, and that subtlety is not always my friend. Take the title of this post, Clockwork. Now, what I was imagining was the most famous clock in the world. Big Ben the clock. Big Ben the football player. Ben Roethlisberger. He's the star of the league the last two weeks. As much as you can talk, with a straight face, about the "best two-game stretch in NFL history," you have to say that Big Ben is having that stretch. He has been unbelievable the last two weeks. Twelve touchdowns across two games (six each). About 5000 passing yards (give or take) per game. He is hitting levels of awesome that have been heretoforth unseen by these eyes of mine. And let me just go ahead and get this out there, too; Antonio Brown, circa 2014, is the best wide receiver in the game. Now, he's had the benefit of not having Josh Gordon or Calvin Johnson (minus a few games) to compete with, but that takes nothing away from him; even last year when those two were running wild, Brown was a close #3, if not #2 behind Gordon. Ben and Antonio are owning the world. They're sleeping with your wife right in front of you and daring you to do something about it. Le'veon Bell is getting his pound of flesh too, but it's weird; I cannot recall a time when the Steelers had the best runningback in football. I'm not sure they ever have, and they don't now. Even when Jerome Bettis was playing, he was dwarfed by the likes of Ladainian Tomlinson and Shaun Alexander. I dunno, maybe they don't need a star RB. Since they got shellacked by Cleveland, whatever they're doing is working to perfection, and if it keeps up, I have a difficult time not seeing them beat both New England and Denver for the AFC. Unless Cleveland gets there. Then it's all Hoyer the Destroyer. Because Antonio Brown's worst nightmare is returning to the fold in a few weeks, and it's gonna get ugly. Free Josh Gordon.
2. This lil' point was actually going to get a post all it's own. I was gonna go nuclear. My target? Jerry Jones. Even though I hate the Cowboys, I've always been somewhat indifferent toward the actual personnel on the team, from the players to Jerrah. I wished them no particular harm, save for losing every single game they played. That changed last week. I saw a doped-up Tony Romo, still in obvious pain, lose a game against Washington that he should have been taken out of (and he was, temporarily). I was happy about the win. I didn't feel any sort of real concern for Romo, because I didn't think the Cowboys organization would be so stupid, and reckless, and callous, as to allow even the possibility of a guy with fractured bones in his back to suit up against a team as dangerous as the Arizona Cardinals this past weekend. Well boy, was I wrong. Jones, and all of his hideous loose skin and bug eyes and stupid suits, was telling the media that Romo was a "game-time decision" and using bullshit phrases like "pain management." When I saw that, I got legitimately angry. Seriously. The post immediately began forming itself in my mind. There would be precious little of my trademark light humor in it. I was gonna call Jerry names. Awful names. I was going to insult his family. I was going to imply, if not outright state, that his children were/are products of incest. I was going to tell a story about his mother and a rottweiler, and the ending of that story was gonna imply that they fornicated. Well, (un)fortunately, cooler heads prevailed, and Romo didn't play this weekend. Whether those cooler heads were Jason Garrett, the team doctors, Romo's own doctors, or Romo himself, he didn't suit up and we were treated to The Second Coming of Brandon Weeden. And it was magnificent. Weeden didn't miss a step. Interceptions, assorted other turnovers, and his trademark incompetence and buffoonery, they were all on display. He also secured his position of being the second-best former AFC North QB to currently play in the NFC East. How's THAT for a stat? And afterward, the Arizona Cardinals laid legitimate claim to being the best team in football. Go figure, huh? But even that didn't come on its own...
3. ... because it was gifted to them by the Denver Broncos. Remember how Peyton Manning was on a mission after he got drubbed by the Seahawks in last year's Super Bowl? Well, he must have been having flashbacks Sunday afternoon, because Tom Brady thoroughly cemented his total ownership of Manning by a score of 43(!)-21. Why the exclamation point? Because Russell Wilson and the rest of the Seahawks put up that exact same number. The media loves these Brady vs Manning showdowns, but I couldn't really care less; as far as I'm concerned, it's just another game in a crowded season between two aging players, and besides, neither of these guys can touch Roethlisberger right now.
4. Look here, Robert Griffin III: we had a good thing going. Colt McCoy beat our most hated rivals. He played efficient and focused football against an absolutely surging Cowboys team, and he should have been able to play against Minnesota. But nooooo, you had to go and ruin it. I understand and even agree with the excuse-makers, to an extent; it wasn't all Griffin's fault. The defense was unwiped ass. They made Teddy Bridgewater look like Tom Brady. But Colt McCoy wins that game, and until you can put up those kinds of accolades, the Redskins will no longer be the focus of the MSR. Also, stop being so aloof and snotty with the media. The reason there's all this "negativity", dumbass, is because you haven't won a football game in almost one calendar year, if not more. That breeds negativity. Until this ship gets righted, the media, regardless of how negative you perceive them to be, is right on the money. Andrew Luck wins games. Russell Wilson wins Super Bowls. You whine on social media about how mean everyone is being to you. STAAAAHP. Just win, man. That's all we want. It's not like you haven't done it before. Don't be Jason Campbell. DON'T BE THAT GUY.
Didn't see Monday Night Football last night, because you already know why. But I can't be sad about the New York Giants getting drubbed. Eli Manning is a goof. That is all.
So anyway, I was doing some thinking. And, with the implied consent of my co-blogger Juan, I'm putting out sort of a casting call. I want another writer. Specifically, someone to write about college football. I was planning to do this on my own; I even had a catchy title for these presumed posts: Amateur Hour. But I can't do it. I don't watch it. I barely pay attention to college football during draft time. If you're interested, catch me on Facebook and I'll run it by Juan; he's actually the site administrator and only he can add contributors. I think it would add something substantial to the site, and perhaps even spread awareness. There's no pay, no benefits, and no job satisfaction; only wasted time, false praise, and the joy of seeing something you wrote preserved on the interwebs. But I have to admit, it IS kinda fun. I love doing this. Maybe you would too...?
Take it sleazy, folks.
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