Top 5 of Week 2: WATT HAPPENED

Greetings, slimeballs.

In an attempt to keep this wonderfully elegant blog interesting for you guys and gals, Zane and I are experimenting with some new topics and post ideas. Any feedback on these posts are welcome, regardless if you like it or are stupid and don't. I like any and all critique.

Zane has gottent the ball rolling with the Monday Sunday Roundup and it is a thing of beauty. Straight to the point and insightful. What I am going to attempt to do is give you something that I am going to call the "TOP 5". Every week, I am going to give you the top 5 NFL happenings that week and give you my unBIASED opinion on them. So, bascially I am being forced to expand my horizons past the greatness of the Houston Texans. Here we go

NUMBER 5 - WHAT ABOUT BOB?

From the Merriam-Webster online dictionary:

  Snakebit: having or experiencing failure or bad luck : unlucky

This is what best describes Robert Griffin III. After what was a promising rookie season, he just hasn't been the same after blowing out his knee against Seattle in the 2012 playoffs. Even though I like to crack on Washington, I am a Bob-Griff fan, so watching him limp off the field and eventually slump to the ground in pain after a pass attempt in which he wasn't touched was a huge disappointment for me. Hopefully he can recover and still make something out of a once promising career. In lieu of that, Matt Schaub-lite errr I mean Kirk Cousins came in and wrecked shop. Fans of the Redskins, who are butt ugly, should be pleased by the Captain's 250 yeard, 2 TD performance (mostly without Desean Jackson, who had to leave to carry out a hit) versus the Jacksonville Jaguars. Don't laugh..... I said don't la-... STOP LAUGHING! Yes, the Jaguars are still the Jaguars, but they showed signs of life last week and are still an NFL team that plays to win. This was a beatdown. Jacksonville was murdered in every aspect in this game. The Jags were victims of a drive-by and an American History X curbstomp. Brazil's World Cup team made a face at this game. Chad Henne was tossed around like a vertically challenged prostitute at an Irish pub. He was sacked 10 TIMES by the Redskin defense; 4 of those belonging to Ryan Kerrigan, who busted out the Shawn Michaels pose. I have been told by an anonymous source, who is ugly, that Kerrigan is sort of a beast. Maybe this is a breakout game for him. He seemed to get his frustrations out after being whipped in the trenches by the much-maligned Derek Newton last week in Houston. Jaguar wunderkind quarterback Blake Bortles could have made a difference for them, but for some reason the coaching staff isn't interested in getting him maimed and impaled behind that dumpster fire of an offensive line. I don't blame them. 41-10. Asskicking.

NUMBER 4 - SPROLES GOTTA EAT, TOO

I have to know something. Who in New Orleans thought it would be a good idea to trade away Darren Sproles? I hope that they got a 1st rounder and the rights to Earl Campbell's great-grandchildren because there isn't much in this league that can match value for Sproles. What? They only got a 5th? The Saints' GM is going to get a curse put on him by a Georgian flashing the crowd during Mardi Gras. There aren't many guys that are small, quick, and tough to tackle and he fits that description perfectly. The Eagles basically stole this guy and added him to an offense that is perfect for him. Sproles was instrumental in the Eagles' 30-27 comeback win in Indianapolis vs the Colts on Monday Night Football. This was the second week in a row that Philly (2-0) overcame a big lead late in the game to win it, as they pulled off the same feat vs Jacksonville a week ago. The Colts were all set to even up their record, but decided to keep handing the ball off to Trent Richardson, who sucks cockroach dick. Trent Richardson just plain sucks. There are some guys out there who aren't very good, but do that one thing that keeps them employed. Not ol' Trent. He is just hot, sticky garbage. There isn't anything that he does well, besides suck. He is the opposite of Darren Sproles. While Richardson had a respectable 75 yards rushing Monday, he fumbled the ball twice with the second one resulting in a turnover. I think that the only reason he is still getting as many carries as he gets, is because the Indianapolis Colts traded A FIRST ROUND PICK for him. It is no wonder because their owner is a crackhead. The Eagles manned up when they needed to. Nick Foles made some crucial throws and unleashed the secret weapon wearing number 43. Andrew Luck, who is the NFL's anomoly at quarterback (turns the ball over a ton but still wins games) sealed Indy's fate with a late interception that resulted in the game tying touchdown. Although much has been and will be made of the missed pass interference call and the phantom horse collar penalty called on the Colts, they had a chance to shut it all down late. They could have kicked a field goal to put them up 10 before Andrew Luck did that Andrew Luck thing and went three and out after Philly tied the game by running the ball up the middle. Twice. If the Colts (0-2) end up losing the division by a game, this is the one that will be the ass-biter. Congrats, and thank you, Philly. You are 2-0. I will say one thing. Last season, a certain team started 2-0 by mounting dramatic comebacks in their first two games, only to lose their next 14. Be careful.

NUMBER 3 - OL' SHITSTAINS

The Cleveland Browns. There is a very talented writer that occupies this blog that doesn't particularly care for underdog stories. He probably thinks that Rocky sucks and likely couldn't give a shit for the Special Olympics. I am not going to mention any names, but Zane wants the stories to make sense. The Browns make sense. After a disaster of an offseason that saw them try to land Greg Schiano and (LMAO) Josh McDaniels to replace Rob Chudzinski who was inexplicably fired by the geniuses in their front office, (note: those assholes are gone too) the Browns ended up with someone named Mike Pettine. Mike Pettine looks like he drinks a lot of protein shakes. Their owner, who is a felon, allegedly listened to a homeless man's advice and moved back into the first round of the 2014 NFL Draft to draft Johnny Manziel to shock some life back into the black hole that is the Cleveland fanbase. The Browns also learned that their budding star receiver Josh "Mota" Gordon would be busted for the 13th time for getting Cypress Hill'd. Add all of that to the fact that their starting QB Brian Hoyer was coming back from having C4 blown up in his knee and that his name is "Hoyer", and you have a recipe for an 0-16 season. Don't tell that to this group, because they are not 'bout that life. The New Orleans Saints (0-2) came into Cleveland having choked away a lead in Atlanta the week before before losing in overtime. They were determined to step in the dogshit that is the Browns and right the wrong from week one. Cleveland wasn't having it. The Browns started off strong and made a small comeback in the end to beat the Saints 26-24 on a last second field goal. Cleveland is fighting back now. They aren't that awkward kid that gets pushed around in the hallways because he smells like cat piss anymore. The are Rocky now. They have a stout defense and a QB that doesn't take a dump on the 50 and wipe his ass with his helmet and licks the waterboy afterwards. As for the Saints, they have some issues. Walking obese mop-bucket Rob Ryan was able to take a defense that was laughable and turn them into something that actually resembles a defense in the span of one season. The next time they stop someone this season, will be the first time they stop someone this season. Noted asshole Sean Payton is actually getting something out of next year's major rip-off Mark Ingram, but that isn't enough to get them a win so far this season. For some reason, Drew Brees will throw an interception at the most oppotune time all the time. Something about him has been off since he signed that massive contract. I'm just saying. The Saints, who are getting picked to win the Super Bowl by a lot of people who get paid to write, might be in some trouble if they don't right the ship quickly. Right now, one of these teams looks like a possible playoff team. The other one is the Saints.

NUMBER 2 - NORTHWESTERN EXPOSURE

Yes, Richard Sherman is a little overrated. Every star player not named Justin James Watt is a little overrated. That's OK. If you put Sherman on a defense that doesn't include the best safety in the world, he probably isn't the same guy. And that's OK. What isn't OK? San Diego Chargers' players saying that they "exposed" Richard Sherman like he was on some kind of cheap ass TV tabloid show. San Diego, which translates to whale's vagina, completed 5 passes on him for 56 yards. No touchdowns. No big plays. Just an average wide receiver game. In the season opener, bad ass motherfucker Aaron Rodgers refused to look in Richard Sherman's direction for fear of Sherman making a big play and yelling something at Erin Andrews. Philip Rivers, who is retarded, had no problem doing so. But it isn't for the reason you think. First, let's look at Philip Rivers:

 





Rivers didn't go at Sherman because he is a dope ass gunslinger out of a western movie. Philip Rivers is genuinely retarded. He doesn't know any better. He's like the puppy you want to whoop for shitting on your microfiber couch, but can't because he's a puppy. All jokes aside, The San Diego Chargers (1-1) owned the Seattle Seahawks (1-1) on Sunday. It wasn't a WAS-JAX beatdown, but they were basically in control the whole game. Even when the NFL giftwrapped a TD for Percy Harvin, who was out of bounds by about 10 feet, the Chargers simply responded. Seriously though, what were the replay officials looking at in that replay? Harvin was clearly out of bounds and they wouldn't overturn it. Something just isn't right there. I want a job as the guy who looks at the replays so I can do nothing too. After wrecking Green Bay last week and looking like they would go undefeated, Seattle came crashing back down to earth. They still have a tough time away from the 12th Man* and they were thrown on at will. This game was probably the most interesting to me because of what the outcome was and how it arrived there. It just goes to show that anyone can beat you on any given Sunday, even a window-licker.

NUMBER 1 - WATT CARR?

 

 

You didn't think I was going to let this one get away, did you? Known offense wrecker JJ Watt of the Houston Texans became an offense's best friend on Sunday by scoring his first career offensive touchdown en route to a 30-14 beating of the Oakland Raiders. The Texans followed up the all-world defensive effort from the Washington game with a complete ransacking of the Raiders and rookie QB Derek Carr. If you like seeing things that are cyclical, then you will enjoy this one. Derek Carr basically replaced the guy who replaced his brother. David Carr was the first ever QB of the Texans, who was replaced by Matt Schaub. Schaub was traded (!) to the Raiders by the Texans in the offseason and drafted Carr to be the heir to the position. Schaub being the pile of human waste that he is lost the job to Carr and is now holding the clipboard. Schaub then attempted to throw the clipboard but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown (ba-dum-tss). Bearded miracle unicorn Ryan Fitzpatrick continues to dazzle the masses with timely throws and mistake-free football. His TD pass to Deandre "The Executioner" Hopkins was nothing but a great play by both QB and receiver. Arian Foster has morphed back into Arian Foster and has once again become the workhorse he was 2 years ago. The most impressive part of this group is the play of the defense. They are already a +5 in turnover ratio because of their ability to attack ball carriers and force them into merciful surrender. All of this mostly because of the play of DJ Swearinger, who is still a liability in coverage but isn't just going to allow a receiver to get completely over on him. He also did this:

 









On the other hand, you have the Raiders who are forever the Raiders. They suck ass. There is no other way to put it. Derek Carr is going to be good, but unless they surround him with something, they will continue to be terrible. They have signed a bunch of aging guys and I guess expect to make some noise, but it just doesn't look like it is going to happen. Too bad. Not really. FUN STAT: Ryan Fitzpatrick's 118.4 QB rating is second in the league through two weeks. If he continues to play efficiently and mistake-free, and Arian Foster continues his dominance, and the defense continues to play with their hair on fire, then the Texans could very well be right back where they were two years ago.

HONORABLE MENTION

• Credit to the Dallas Cowboys for bouncing back from the prison raping that they took from San Francisco to beat Tennessee. Goes to show that good things tend to happen when you run the ball well with a hoss like Demarco Murray. Don't worry, they'll likely go away go away from it next week.
• Why does all of the goofy shit always happen to the Jets? Joe Namath attempting to date-rape Suzy Kolber. The Butt-Fumble. Now, the time-out. Pure comedy.
• Rocket-armed, emo quarterback Jay Cutler led a huge comeback to put the Bears over the 49ers. I picked the 49ers to be the team that regresses this season. We'll see.

Until next time, cabrones,

Juan